'Tis the season to be jolly -- and to get into a virtual fist fight with your virtual friends.

Don't act surprised... and don't act like you're above it. I'm not the only person in the world who has a friend they've never met. Please. This is the 21st century. E-Friends are human too!

And yes, like all relationships, you have your ups, your downs and your all-out-brawls.

Last night my friend and I had a little spat. Apparently -- according to Mr. Suddenly Turned Psychologist (who shall heretofore be referred to as Bob, to preserve anonymity) -- my disposition is "affected negatively" by Ryan’s absence. No, I couldn't get him to elaborate on that. Bottom line: he thinks I’m codependent. Well, duh Bob, duh. I’m a needy person with an unendurable hatred of solitude who requires constant maintenance and attention. I know it, and lord knows Ryan does too. Yeah, it’s a flaw – but you’re not supposed to point it out!

Anyway, my point is not to get into our fight, but to discuss why I believe internet relationships are more tumultuous than "real" relationships - especially ones involving me.

What it comes down to is really one simple word - sarcasm. Sarcasm, though an invaluable tool, must be used with extreme caution when carrying on a virtual conversation. It seems that it's a bit hard to determine when it is being applied if it is delivered in text. This puts me, a student of the School of Sarcasm, at a severe disadvantage when communicating electronically. I cannot effectively use my greatest weapon... and it gets me into trouble. It seems that sometimes when I'm being sarcastic, people don't know that I am not being serious. This leads to a cacophany of miscommunication, hurt feelings and other things you should not have to deal with as a result of an attempt to be funny.

My options are either to stop the sarcasm in its entirety, write [sarcasm] and [/sarcasm] around every sentence I type, or to just do it and deal with the aftermath. The first option would result in a very dull version of E-Allie, the second would just pour a cold bucket of water on all of my comedy and the third has turned out to be quite a lot of maintenance.

Hey… maybe this is what it’s like to be Ryan…

Maybe Santa will put Sarcasm Font in my stocking...

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Um... totally disappointed in you people. I know you lurk. Where are your slang sentences? Hmm???

Adam - dude. Appreciate the effort but your sentence made no sense. Nice work on the incorrect spelling though... that was right on.

Ryan and I are headed back to Oregon for the holidays... and I'm afraid. Not of being home. Of the drive. I fear driving.

I used to be a good driver - I swear I did. Driving around in lil' old Shadow I was outdriven only by Lauren and Mario himself (Andretti, not Kart). Then I got the 4Runner. And, let the record reflect, I loved the 4Runner. We were buddies, pals. All was fine and dandy until that fateful afternoon when I got in an accident. Man, was that a ride.

Picture if you will...

Me, Ryan and Ryan's girlfriend at the time, Kelly. Ryan and Kelly were in a fight. This made our little roadtrip up to Spokanne in the dead of winter even chillier. They were not speaking with one another, nor were they speaking with me. Ryan, however, paid me the courtesy of writing an apology on the back of a receipt. There we were, driving along... then ice, slide, cars... blah blah blah crunch.

It shook me to the core.

I couldn't even fully appreciate the cliched plumbers crack that the tow-truck driver was sporting.

That's how messed up I was.

Anyway, after that I lost all confidence -- a horrible thing to happen to a driver --the following years were filled with much jumping of curbs. (Never could handle those corners...)

This inability to drive has stuck with me, and as a result I have Ryan drive everywhere. Even if he's just running in somewhere and it would be so much easier if I just dropped him off and circled the block... he drives.

In an effort to get back into the swing of things we tried the circle-the-block technique yesterday. I drove the mile and a half to his bank and circled while he used the ATM. I think I got two, 'Um...go's, one 'what are you doing', an 'any day now' and one 'you honestly don't know how to get there from here' all before we hit the bank.

Stellar.

Needless to say he has decided we'll go back to him driving.

But this brings me back to why I'm scared. We're taking two cars to Oregon... and I'm driving one of them. All the way. Straight.

YAR.

/crosses fingers

Scared yet?

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Odds are you already know the meanings of the basics – w00t, brb, wtg, stfu, afk – so we’ll cut to the lesser knowns. If there are any words out there that I don't touch on and you'd like defined... just let me know.

ftw
abbr. for the win.
When something gives the winning edge.

Famous quote: “Cold milk ftw.” – David Basulto

gah
interj.
Used to express displeasure or disappointment.

Famous qutoe: “Gah!” – Ryan Carty

gank
v. ganked, ganking
To steal or take unjustly.

Famous quote: “Help tehy ganking me!” – Anon.

haxxorz
v.
To hack or cheat.
n.
A hack or cheat.
Commonly used when addressing someone who is frequently winning things.

*The xxorz suffix can be added to any words ending in ck. Suxxorz, Roxxorz.

heh
interj.
1. Used to humor people who like to talk. A filler.
2. A sarcastic laugh.

n00b (noob, newb)
n.
Someone who is inexperienced or makes a rookie mistake.

pwn
v. pwned, pwnage
To come out on top. To win.

roar (rar, wraa)
interj.
Used to express elation or excitement.

Famous quote: “Can I get a /ROAR?” – Thaddeus

soga
interj.
Used to express understanding.



Now that you have a bit more vocab… try applying it. Make sure to use abbreviations whenever possible – and for an added bonus try misspelling here and there. Grammatical errors a must. To express emotion, preface the verb with a backslash.

Example: “i r the suck. ganked by a n00b. /shame.”

Go ahead and give it a try in the Comments section.

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