Give to the Needy

'Tis the season to be jolly -- and to get into a virtual fist fight with your virtual friends.

Don't act surprised... and don't act like you're above it. I'm not the only person in the world who has a friend they've never met. Please. This is the 21st century. E-Friends are human too!

And yes, like all relationships, you have your ups, your downs and your all-out-brawls.

Last night my friend and I had a little spat. Apparently -- according to Mr. Suddenly Turned Psychologist (who shall heretofore be referred to as Bob, to preserve anonymity) -- my disposition is "affected negatively" by Ryan’s absence. No, I couldn't get him to elaborate on that. Bottom line: he thinks I’m codependent. Well, duh Bob, duh. I’m a needy person with an unendurable hatred of solitude who requires constant maintenance and attention. I know it, and lord knows Ryan does too. Yeah, it’s a flaw – but you’re not supposed to point it out!

Anyway, my point is not to get into our fight, but to discuss why I believe internet relationships are more tumultuous than "real" relationships - especially ones involving me.

What it comes down to is really one simple word - sarcasm. Sarcasm, though an invaluable tool, must be used with extreme caution when carrying on a virtual conversation. It seems that it's a bit hard to determine when it is being applied if it is delivered in text. This puts me, a student of the School of Sarcasm, at a severe disadvantage when communicating electronically. I cannot effectively use my greatest weapon... and it gets me into trouble. It seems that sometimes when I'm being sarcastic, people don't know that I am not being serious. This leads to a cacophany of miscommunication, hurt feelings and other things you should not have to deal with as a result of an attempt to be funny.

My options are either to stop the sarcasm in its entirety, write [sarcasm] and [/sarcasm] around every sentence I type, or to just do it and deal with the aftermath. The first option would result in a very dull version of E-Allie, the second would just pour a cold bucket of water on all of my comedy and the third has turned out to be quite a lot of maintenance.

Hey… maybe this is what it’s like to be Ryan…

Maybe Santa will put Sarcasm Font in my stocking...