Zzzzzz

It's official. I've reached the point in sleep deprivation where I've actually started hallucinating.

For some reason, my body knows that I need to wake up throughout the night to feed him - so, like clockwork, I startle awake every three hours even if Cael is snoozing peacefully. For the past two nights, each time I have woken up I've been convinced that I fell asleep mid-feeding. I see the little baby in my arms smothered by the comforter and struggling to breathe. I actually see it. Every. Single. Time. It's scary as hell and takes me a good 30 seconds to figure out that it's not actually reality. This is worse than the nightmare that I keep having where everyone tells me I'm a bad mother and takes him away from me.

According to the books, Cael could be continuing with nighttime feedings for a few months yet. This means that I am going to have to be awake for an hour every three hours for months. DUDE. I am not built this way. I am the girl that can sleep until three in the afternoon if there is no alarm set to wake me. I need twelve hours of uninterrupted sleep to function coherently. I am going to be some sort of undead horror film creature by the end of next week, yos. Fear me!

I think that if I'm going to have to suffer through hallucinations they should at least be good ones. Like maybe I wake up and think I'm on a tropical beach drinking a margarita. Or I'm in a cabin at the mountains in front of a fire with a cup of hot chocolate. Or, hell, I don't know - I'm in the future, three months from now and I can actually go back to sleep. Any one will do.