The Deuce is Loose

Usually Cael's bath with Ryan ends with them both calling, "Mama!" That's when they're ready for towels. Occasionally the call will come in early if Cael starts drinking the bathwater and needs a cup of tap water instead. The other day, however, the call for Mama came for an entirely different reason and was accompanied by a panicked, "Help!"

I ran to the bathroom and found Ryan practically crawling up the wall of the tub with Cael secured in his lap. Ryan repeated his cry for help with a look of utter terror on his face and Cael was totally nonplussed.

Allie: Hi, guys. What's up?
Ryan: Help!
Allie: Are you ready to get out?
Ryan: Help!
Allie: Help with what?
Ryan: Get it out!
Allie: Get what... oh.

And there, resting conspicuously at the bottom of the tub was the biggest turd Cael has ever produced. Seriously huge. And if that weren't offensive enough, more poo debris was floating aimlessly through the water, which Ryan was trying valiantly to escape.

Allie: Wow. That's huge.
Ryan: Just get it out!
Allie: How do you want me to get it out?
Ryan: I don't know! How do you usually get rid of the poop when Cael goes in the tub?
Allie: I drain it.
Ryan: Then drain it! Hurry!

I reached over, flipped the switch, and the water started heading for the drain... followed immediately by the giant turd. This probably wouldn't have been an issue had we not made a habit of removing the drain filter during Cael's baths so he won't impale himself on the sharp metal prongs. But, since there was no cover, the turd plowed straight ahead and down the drain only to be stopped by the built-in stopper about 2 inches down. So there it was, in all its giant poo glory, sticking out of the drain like a nail waiting for a hammer.

Allie: Uh oh.
Ryan: What?
Allie: This has never happened before. I didn't factor in the size of the poo.
Ryan: What do you mean and why is the tub not draining?
Allie: It's clogged!
Ryan: Well, unclog it!
Allie: You know you are like a lady standing on a chair when she sees a mouse, right? It's just a little feces.
Ryan: Unclog it!

So, after weighing my options, I decided the best course of action would be to grab a handful of toilet paper and grab the turd. I, of course, neglected to take into account the reason toilet paper is toilet paper - it disintegrates in water. Before my hand made it from the surface to the drain the paper had come completely unraveled. Obvious solution:

Ryan: Get a bigger wad of it!

Bigger wad of toilet paper still didn't make it all the way to the drain. Nor did the next few wads. But now the tub was filled with chunks of poop, wisps of toilet paper and the world's largest turd.

Ryan: Use a baby wipe or something!
Allie: But then I can't flush it!
Ryan: I don't care what you do with it, just get it out!

And get it out I did.

Allie: Okay, it's draining.
Ryan: The rest of the poo is incoming!
Allie: We have to stop it before it goes down the drain!
Ryan: Throw on the cover!

The drain cover does indeed stop the poo from going down the drain. The new problem that arises, however, comes when the wisps of toilet paper and little chunklettes of poop clog the cover. I spent the next several minutes scraping accumulated bits of poo and paper so that the tub could drain.

Later that evening, after everyone had been sterilized, Ryan observed: "You know, I saw it coming."

Allie: The poo?
Ryan: Yeah. He stood up and started going and I watched the whole thing play out.
Allie: That's disturbing.
Ryan: What's disturbing is that all I am thinking now is, "Damn. I should have just reached out and caught it."
Allie: See that's the difference between you and I.
Ryan: In retrospect you still wouldn't have grabbed it?
Allie: No, in retrospect I would have taken a shower instead of a bath.