Beelzebub

So did you all watch Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) on Jay Leno way back when? If you did, you recall that he mentioned moving to LA. When he told his Mormon mother that was his plan she warned, “You be careful. That’s where Satan resides.”

So, I had this boss. Well, my boss had this boss, I suppose… but I took direct orders from her, so for all intents and purposes, she was my boss. To preserve the anonymity of all those involved, I will call her “E”. Which is fitting, because I think she was high on something the entire time.

Note: There is no possible way for me to describe to you the timbre of her voice, but I can tell you this: it is saccharine sweet, grating, sing-song and nauseating.

-Thursday Afternoon-
[Allie’s first day working with people other than Loren. She’s been running all over hell and back making deliveries and doing personal errands for E. Her phone rings while she is mid run.]
E: Allie? E here!
Allie: Hi E.
E: Listen, I need you to call this guy and lie to him.
Allie: Excuse me?
E: Just a white lie. No big deal.
Allie: Okay…
E: So, you know how I had you drive to Venice and talk to that realtor?
Allie: Yes.
E: Well, that’s the apartment I really want, but I have another one on hold, in case I don’t get the one in Venice.
Allie: Okay.
E: And he told me I had to give him the checks by this morning, cause he was going on vacation or something.
Allie: Okay.
E: But I don’t want to. I just would rather not live there. He’s, you know… very gay. And nitpicky. And I just wouldn’t want him being my landlord, you know?
Allie: Okay.
E: Anyway, I want you to call him and tell him you work for me. Tell him you have the checks and you need to know when the latest you can drop them off is.
Allie: I don’t have any checks.
E: I know, I won’t really have you drop them off. I just want him to think you are.
Allie: Okay.
E: Great! Thanks!
[Allie makes the calls to his home and cell, leaving a message on his cell. Her phone rings.]
E: Allie? E! Did you call him?
Allie: Yes.
E: What did he say?
Allie: He didn’t answer. I left a message.
E: At which number?
Allie: His cell.
E: Did you leave a message at his home?
Allie: No, just his cell.
E: Call him back and leave a message on his home phone.
[Allie does as instructed. Her phone rings.]
E: Allie? E here! Did you do it?
Allie: Yes, I did.
E: Has he called you?
Allie: No.
-Twenty minutes later-
[Allie’s phone rings]
E: Allie? E! Has he called you?
Allie: No. I’ll tell you if he does.
E: Did you leave a message on his cell?
Allie: Yes. And at his house.
E: And he hasn’t called you back?
Allie: NO.

With all of the calls that she made to me regarding this guy, one might wonder why she didn’t just call him herself. It would have been a lot easier, and it would have required fewer phone calls. Oh wait! But then when the check she never intended to deliver never showed up at this guy’s place she would have had to take the blame herself instead of blaming it on her incompetent assistant. Silly me.

-Friday, 8pm-
[After a long day of sitting by her phone with her heart in her throat, because she was told she would be called in to work at any moment, Allie’s phone rings.]
Allie: Hello?
E: Allie? E here!
Allie: Hi E.
E: What are you doing tomorrow?
Allie: Saturday? I have plans.
E: I need you to come in and do research.
Allie: I’m sorry, E, but I really can’t. I’ve made prior commitments.
E: I need you to come in for a few hours.
Allie: Well, I don’t have that large of a time block. I can get the research done on my own time, but I can’t commit to a chunk of time.
E: What do you have?
Allie: Plans.
E: I need you to come in. This needs to be done by tomorrow night.
Allie: Well, if you tell me what it is, I’ll get it done by then.
E: I need you to come in.
Allie: I can’t come in, but I can get it done. Just tell me what you need researched.
E: I can’t tell you over the phone. It’s too complex.
Allie: Then I’m sorry, E, but you’re going to have to find someone else to do it.
E: Can you come in tomorrow morning?
Allie: I’m sorry, I really can’t.
E: I need this done by tomorrow night.
Allie: Then tell me what it is.
E: Call me tomorrow.
Allie: I was actually planning on doing most of the research tonight, so if you could just tell me what it is now…
E: No. I need you to come in. I need to supervise.
Allie: Then I’m sorry, but it’s a little late. I’ve already made plans.
E: Call me tomorrow morning.
[E hangs up the phone. Allie dies a little inside with fear that she’ll actually have to go in to E’s tomorrow.]

-Saturday, 8:30am-
[Allie has been up for an hour and is fully showered and ready to go to E’s place for all forms of torture and emotional manipulation. She calls E. No one answers.]

-Saturday, 11pm-
[Allie’s phone rings. It’s E. She doesn’t answer.]
Voicemail message: Allie? E here! So I need you to research images of train cars, tour buses, luxury yachts. I just want to know what the interiors of these would look like. Just send them to me whenever. Bye!

So this terribly important research that couldn’t be explained over the phone and had to be done by Saturday night under direct supervision? Not for the commercial I was hired to work on. Not the commercial she’s currently designing, it’s for one she hopes to design. So not really a rush and not really something she can supervise, unless she wants to sit next to me while I google image search. If that’s the case why the heck wouldn’t she just do it herself? The general consensus is that she just wanted me at her apartment so that she could send me on errands to get her toilet paper and groceries. Poor E misses her personal assistant and can’t seem to cope without one. *Sob*

I met her old personal assistant. A cute girl named Annie. When she handed me E’s key she tentatively asked how I liked working for her. I said, “She’s… uh… well…”
Annie: Crazy?
Allie: I was going to go with psycho.
Annie: I hated working for her. It was horrible. I had to take this job I have now just to get away from her. I came home every day after working for her and cried. I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

E called me this morning at nine to ask me if I did something that no one ever asked me to do. I told her I hadn’t. Then she asked me what I was doing this week.
Allie: I have plans.
E: What plans?
Allie: Plans.
E: All week?
Allie: All week. Yup. Very busy.
E: Well call me.

Not a snowball’s chance in hell. I’m seeing now why Annie couldn’t just tell E she didn’t want to work for her anymore. You have to have another job, some hard evidence that you are no longer at her beck and call. I’m looking into it.