'Tis the season to be jolly -- and to get into a virtual fist fight with your virtual friends.

Don't act surprised... and don't act like you're above it. I'm not the only person in the world who has a friend they've never met. Please. This is the 21st century. E-Friends are human too!

And yes, like all relationships, you have your ups, your downs and your all-out-brawls.

Last night my friend and I had a little spat. Apparently -- according to Mr. Suddenly Turned Psychologist (who shall heretofore be referred to as Bob, to preserve anonymity) -- my disposition is "affected negatively" by Ryan’s absence. No, I couldn't get him to elaborate on that. Bottom line: he thinks I’m codependent. Well, duh Bob, duh. I’m a needy person with an unendurable hatred of solitude who requires constant maintenance and attention. I know it, and lord knows Ryan does too. Yeah, it’s a flaw – but you’re not supposed to point it out!

Anyway, my point is not to get into our fight, but to discuss why I believe internet relationships are more tumultuous than "real" relationships - especially ones involving me.

What it comes down to is really one simple word - sarcasm. Sarcasm, though an invaluable tool, must be used with extreme caution when carrying on a virtual conversation. It seems that it's a bit hard to determine when it is being applied if it is delivered in text. This puts me, a student of the School of Sarcasm, at a severe disadvantage when communicating electronically. I cannot effectively use my greatest weapon... and it gets me into trouble. It seems that sometimes when I'm being sarcastic, people don't know that I am not being serious. This leads to a cacophany of miscommunication, hurt feelings and other things you should not have to deal with as a result of an attempt to be funny.

My options are either to stop the sarcasm in its entirety, write [sarcasm] and [/sarcasm] around every sentence I type, or to just do it and deal with the aftermath. The first option would result in a very dull version of E-Allie, the second would just pour a cold bucket of water on all of my comedy and the third has turned out to be quite a lot of maintenance.

Hey… maybe this is what it’s like to be Ryan…

Maybe Santa will put Sarcasm Font in my stocking...

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Um... totally disappointed in you people. I know you lurk. Where are your slang sentences? Hmm???

Adam - dude. Appreciate the effort but your sentence made no sense. Nice work on the incorrect spelling though... that was right on.

Ryan and I are headed back to Oregon for the holidays... and I'm afraid. Not of being home. Of the drive. I fear driving.

I used to be a good driver - I swear I did. Driving around in lil' old Shadow I was outdriven only by Lauren and Mario himself (Andretti, not Kart). Then I got the 4Runner. And, let the record reflect, I loved the 4Runner. We were buddies, pals. All was fine and dandy until that fateful afternoon when I got in an accident. Man, was that a ride.

Picture if you will...

Me, Ryan and Ryan's girlfriend at the time, Kelly. Ryan and Kelly were in a fight. This made our little roadtrip up to Spokanne in the dead of winter even chillier. They were not speaking with one another, nor were they speaking with me. Ryan, however, paid me the courtesy of writing an apology on the back of a receipt. There we were, driving along... then ice, slide, cars... blah blah blah crunch.

It shook me to the core.

I couldn't even fully appreciate the cliched plumbers crack that the tow-truck driver was sporting.

That's how messed up I was.

Anyway, after that I lost all confidence -- a horrible thing to happen to a driver --the following years were filled with much jumping of curbs. (Never could handle those corners...)

This inability to drive has stuck with me, and as a result I have Ryan drive everywhere. Even if he's just running in somewhere and it would be so much easier if I just dropped him off and circled the block... he drives.

In an effort to get back into the swing of things we tried the circle-the-block technique yesterday. I drove the mile and a half to his bank and circled while he used the ATM. I think I got two, 'Um...go's, one 'what are you doing', an 'any day now' and one 'you honestly don't know how to get there from here' all before we hit the bank.

Stellar.

Needless to say he has decided we'll go back to him driving.

But this brings me back to why I'm scared. We're taking two cars to Oregon... and I'm driving one of them. All the way. Straight.

YAR.

/crosses fingers

Scared yet?

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Odds are you already know the meanings of the basics – w00t, brb, wtg, stfu, afk – so we’ll cut to the lesser knowns. If there are any words out there that I don't touch on and you'd like defined... just let me know.

ftw
abbr. for the win.
When something gives the winning edge.

Famous quote: “Cold milk ftw.” – David Basulto

gah
interj.
Used to express displeasure or disappointment.

Famous qutoe: “Gah!” – Ryan Carty

gank
v. ganked, ganking
To steal or take unjustly.

Famous quote: “Help tehy ganking me!” – Anon.

haxxorz
v.
To hack or cheat.
n.
A hack or cheat.
Commonly used when addressing someone who is frequently winning things.

*The xxorz suffix can be added to any words ending in ck. Suxxorz, Roxxorz.

heh
interj.
1. Used to humor people who like to talk. A filler.
2. A sarcastic laugh.

n00b (noob, newb)
n.
Someone who is inexperienced or makes a rookie mistake.

pwn
v. pwned, pwnage
To come out on top. To win.

roar (rar, wraa)
interj.
Used to express elation or excitement.

Famous quote: “Can I get a /ROAR?” – Thaddeus

soga
interj.
Used to express understanding.



Now that you have a bit more vocab… try applying it. Make sure to use abbreviations whenever possible – and for an added bonus try misspelling here and there. Grammatical errors a must. To express emotion, preface the verb with a backslash.

Example: “i r the suck. ganked by a n00b. /shame.”

Go ahead and give it a try in the Comments section.

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Hmmm…mmm…

Where are you, Christmas?
Why can’t I find you?
Why have you gone away-ay-ay?
Where is the laughter you used to bring me?
Why can’t I hear music play-ay-ay?

My world is changing,
I’m rearranging.
Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you, Christmas?
Do you remember
The one you used to know?

I’m not the same one,
See what the time’s done.
Is that why you have let me go….

/drum roll
/crescendo

Christmas is here everywhere,
(Ohhhh…)
CHRISTMAS IS HERE
If you care
(OH oh ohhh…)

If there is love in your heart and your mind,
You will feel like Christmas all the time…

/sob

I’m getting old.

It’s two days after Thanksgiving, I’m sitting alone in front of the computer listening to Christmas songs and crying for god’s sake. (Okay, so I stopped crying when Wham! came on, but Faith, Diana and Kelly brought me to tears. Omg... even Clay Aken is getting to me! /shame)

Gah.

I logged on to blog about my horrible waiter at the Olive Garden (I was all ready to re-write Hoyt Axton’s Boney Fingers to incorporate Grimy Fingers) but now I’m in some weird funk. I can no longer find the comedy in the large chunks of cheese that slid from his hands as he placed the food on the table – or how he stuck his finger IN the water class and asked if Ryan would like a refill… it’s just not there.

It’s snowing in my head.

Maybe I’m crazy to suppose
I’d ever be the one you chose
Out of the thousand invitations
You receive.

Ah, but in case I stand one little chance
Here comes the jackpot question in advance
What are you doing New Years,
New Years Eve?

…Ah, Harry… I love ya…

/tear

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Okay folks... the time has come. It's your turn to entertain me!! Repay your faithful blogger (okay, okay -- so I've been MIA... but there was a time last year when I was entertaining, right?) by helping her decide her fate!

[/cue dramatic music]

Here's the question: What should Allie be when she grows up??

Please voice your thoughts! All suggestions welcome!

Should Allie be a doctor? (Please no)
A hairdresser?
A dog-walker?
Manager at McDonalds?

????

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Oh... my... god.... I'M ALIVE!!!

Just thought I'd let you all know.

Found my cell phone in the cubby today. I think it had been in there for somewhere around two weeks. Interestingly enough I only had two missed calls. I'll take that to mean that you all are aware of my phonephobia and don't want to put the effort into calling me when odds are I will hide under the bed until the ringing stops.

Well, lets see... what am I up to? I'm the Art Director for a film that may or may not actually happen. And, um... I'm a skilled relaxer. I think that should be a profession. I, my dear readers, would be highly qualified.

Hmm... I think I'll go off on a tangent now.

When I think of my elementary school Music Teacher, I think of various things. First of all, she is the only person I have ever known that is literally shaped like a triangle. Really, she is. Hips from coast-to-coast and the tiniest little ankles you've ever seen. She'd always wear stretch-pants too. The ones with stirrups. And sweaters with balls of yarn on them...

I also remember that she lived next to Stephanie. And man, did she hate Stephanie. Steph knew it too - and the dislike was definitely mutual. One time Stephanie convinced me that we should do something mean to Ms. Russem (Russom? Come on, I was in third grade... like I'm supposed to know how to spell her name). So what did we do? We put poop in a bag on her doorstep. Or, you know... faux-poo. Some odd concoction of Hersey's Syrup and cocoa powder. (That's the kind of criminal mind I have.)

But what really sticks out about Ms. Triangle is that she had a very limited repertoire as far as the songs she taught the kids. So, in my three years at McKinley Elementary School I sang the same damn songs year after year.

"Child of the Universe, let your spirit fly (ay, ay). You are the chosen one to try and touch the sky."

That's the chorus. Yap. It's a winner.

But what I've been singing in my head non-stop for the last few hours are the lyrics to one of the verses.

"I am only a grain of sand, tossed by water and wind... but there are many grains of sand... where do I fit in?"

It's almost poetic. You know, except the lame chords and the isosceles conductor I just can't stop picturing. Oh - and the strong stench of cheddar.

For those of you who have not heard -- Ryan and I have decided to move back to Salem. (Come on, that was a transition. We're grains of sand -- get it?!?)

Giving up? Maybe. Failed? Perhaps. You could look at it any way... and I suppose people will.

Some people have told us that we've had more success in a year than others have in ten. I believe it. We've done a lot. Worked on television, movies, commercials... behind the scenes, in front of the camera... I think we've seen most of the business. Enough of it to have a pretty solid grasp on what lies ahead.

And, in the end, a future in Los Angeles doesn't look like the one we want. Yeah, ideally Ryan would become a famous movie star so we could live in Oregon and he'd fly south for work. But even as I'm typing that... it doesn't sound so ideal.

Turns out we're not city-folk. Not happy in the mess of things. And the business too... we've found we're not as cutthroat, not as relentless. Not because we can't be, but because we don't want to be.

Truthfully, we always pictured ourselves ending up in a town like Salem. And it was fun to move away and experience Los Angeles... cause if we didn't we'd always wonder about what we missed. I think it's safe to say we know what we'd miss and we're okay with that now...

Except, of course ... Loren, Dave and Tim. OMG I WILL MISS YOU!

[/begins forming evil plan to make them move to Salem]

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