Apparently Loren told some producer that I had the hots for Ben Affleck. So, yeah. HOW FREAKING FUNNY IS THIS??



Yes, Ben. I lurve you so. I'm desperately jealous! That body hair is just SO hot! I change my mind - Jennifer Garner hasn't gone crazy... you're totally desirable. I want to have your love child too!

I wonder what would happen if Loren told someone I was madly in love with Michael Vartan? *Sigh* One of these days we will meet and he will be mine.

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So did you all watch Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) on Jay Leno way back when? If you did, you recall that he mentioned moving to LA. When he told his Mormon mother that was his plan she warned, “You be careful. That’s where Satan resides.”

So, I had this boss. Well, my boss had this boss, I suppose… but I took direct orders from her, so for all intents and purposes, she was my boss. To preserve the anonymity of all those involved, I will call her “E”. Which is fitting, because I think she was high on something the entire time.

Note: There is no possible way for me to describe to you the timbre of her voice, but I can tell you this: it is saccharine sweet, grating, sing-song and nauseating.

-Thursday Afternoon-
[Allie’s first day working with people other than Loren. She’s been running all over hell and back making deliveries and doing personal errands for E. Her phone rings while she is mid run.]
E: Allie? E here!
Allie: Hi E.
E: Listen, I need you to call this guy and lie to him.
Allie: Excuse me?
E: Just a white lie. No big deal.
Allie: Okay…
E: So, you know how I had you drive to Venice and talk to that realtor?
Allie: Yes.
E: Well, that’s the apartment I really want, but I have another one on hold, in case I don’t get the one in Venice.
Allie: Okay.
E: And he told me I had to give him the checks by this morning, cause he was going on vacation or something.
Allie: Okay.
E: But I don’t want to. I just would rather not live there. He’s, you know… very gay. And nitpicky. And I just wouldn’t want him being my landlord, you know?
Allie: Okay.
E: Anyway, I want you to call him and tell him you work for me. Tell him you have the checks and you need to know when the latest you can drop them off is.
Allie: I don’t have any checks.
E: I know, I won’t really have you drop them off. I just want him to think you are.
Allie: Okay.
E: Great! Thanks!
[Allie makes the calls to his home and cell, leaving a message on his cell. Her phone rings.]
E: Allie? E! Did you call him?
Allie: Yes.
E: What did he say?
Allie: He didn’t answer. I left a message.
E: At which number?
Allie: His cell.
E: Did you leave a message at his home?
Allie: No, just his cell.
E: Call him back and leave a message on his home phone.
[Allie does as instructed. Her phone rings.]
E: Allie? E here! Did you do it?
Allie: Yes, I did.
E: Has he called you?
Allie: No.
-Twenty minutes later-
[Allie’s phone rings]
E: Allie? E! Has he called you?
Allie: No. I’ll tell you if he does.
E: Did you leave a message on his cell?
Allie: Yes. And at his house.
E: And he hasn’t called you back?
Allie: NO.

With all of the calls that she made to me regarding this guy, one might wonder why she didn’t just call him herself. It would have been a lot easier, and it would have required fewer phone calls. Oh wait! But then when the check she never intended to deliver never showed up at this guy’s place she would have had to take the blame herself instead of blaming it on her incompetent assistant. Silly me.

-Friday, 8pm-
[After a long day of sitting by her phone with her heart in her throat, because she was told she would be called in to work at any moment, Allie’s phone rings.]
Allie: Hello?
E: Allie? E here!
Allie: Hi E.
E: What are you doing tomorrow?
Allie: Saturday? I have plans.
E: I need you to come in and do research.
Allie: I’m sorry, E, but I really can’t. I’ve made prior commitments.
E: I need you to come in for a few hours.
Allie: Well, I don’t have that large of a time block. I can get the research done on my own time, but I can’t commit to a chunk of time.
E: What do you have?
Allie: Plans.
E: I need you to come in. This needs to be done by tomorrow night.
Allie: Well, if you tell me what it is, I’ll get it done by then.
E: I need you to come in.
Allie: I can’t come in, but I can get it done. Just tell me what you need researched.
E: I can’t tell you over the phone. It’s too complex.
Allie: Then I’m sorry, E, but you’re going to have to find someone else to do it.
E: Can you come in tomorrow morning?
Allie: I’m sorry, I really can’t.
E: I need this done by tomorrow night.
Allie: Then tell me what it is.
E: Call me tomorrow.
Allie: I was actually planning on doing most of the research tonight, so if you could just tell me what it is now…
E: No. I need you to come in. I need to supervise.
Allie: Then I’m sorry, but it’s a little late. I’ve already made plans.
E: Call me tomorrow morning.
[E hangs up the phone. Allie dies a little inside with fear that she’ll actually have to go in to E’s tomorrow.]

-Saturday, 8:30am-
[Allie has been up for an hour and is fully showered and ready to go to E’s place for all forms of torture and emotional manipulation. She calls E. No one answers.]

-Saturday, 11pm-
[Allie’s phone rings. It’s E. She doesn’t answer.]
Voicemail message: Allie? E here! So I need you to research images of train cars, tour buses, luxury yachts. I just want to know what the interiors of these would look like. Just send them to me whenever. Bye!

So this terribly important research that couldn’t be explained over the phone and had to be done by Saturday night under direct supervision? Not for the commercial I was hired to work on. Not the commercial she’s currently designing, it’s for one she hopes to design. So not really a rush and not really something she can supervise, unless she wants to sit next to me while I google image search. If that’s the case why the heck wouldn’t she just do it herself? The general consensus is that she just wanted me at her apartment so that she could send me on errands to get her toilet paper and groceries. Poor E misses her personal assistant and can’t seem to cope without one. *Sob*

I met her old personal assistant. A cute girl named Annie. When she handed me E’s key she tentatively asked how I liked working for her. I said, “She’s… uh… well…”
Annie: Crazy?
Allie: I was going to go with psycho.
Annie: I hated working for her. It was horrible. I had to take this job I have now just to get away from her. I came home every day after working for her and cried. I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

E called me this morning at nine to ask me if I did something that no one ever asked me to do. I told her I hadn’t. Then she asked me what I was doing this week.
Allie: I have plans.
E: What plans?
Allie: Plans.
E: All week?
Allie: All week. Yup. Very busy.
E: Well call me.

Not a snowball’s chance in hell. I’m seeing now why Annie couldn’t just tell E she didn’t want to work for her anymore. You have to have another job, some hard evidence that you are no longer at her beck and call. I’m looking into it.

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*R.I.P.*
Inspy the Inspiron
She was loved and fingered daily

We come together today to mourn the loss of a dear friend, companion and … well, that’s pretty much it. She was a hard worker and a reliable source of facts, fiction, fun and pharmaceutical refills (close enough). I loved her. I loved her with every bone in my body – especially the phalanges. She stuck with me through my weekly reviews, my senior thesis, and my obsession with fanfiction. I stuck with her through bad LCDs, malfunctioning keys, poor connections, the loss of the “i”, the down, the touchpad, and finally, the power button. Her death came swiftly, though she hung in there long enough that I could jam a chip in her and suck out all necessary information. I thank her for that.

I wrote this little poem in her memory, which I would like to read now.

There once was a purple Inspiron
Everyday over her I would fawn.
I loved her like a child
The abuse, it was mild
But now she will no longer turn on.

Deus spiritus suckmytoos please keep her safe.

Amen.

*Cue Eva Cassidy singing Songbird*

For you there'll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining
‘Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before

(instrumental)

To you, I would give the world
To you, I'd never be cold
‘Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before

Like never before; like never before.

[Allie starts sobbing and must be escorted to the limo by Ryan and Lauren (who just blew her nose in the handkerchief). As they leave, Adam and Dad (in their scout uniforms – as a sign of respect) carefully fold the flag and lower the lid to the recycle bin.]

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I assume all of you watched the season premiere of Alias and are now, if you weren’t already, huge Alias fans. *Cheers and applause* I will now go into my review of the show, since we can discuss this as intellectually stimulated individuals.

I’ll admit I was a little nervous at first – the beginning wasn’t as great as I had expected. I’ve seen better fights, and there’s been more suspense at a pie-eating contest. And let me just ask - why the hell do they keep putting Jennifer Garner in bob wigs? Seriously. The woman is drop dead gorgeous and would kill in a paper bag, but a bob? No one looks good with a bob! And two of them in one episode? I thought they were trying to attract viewers!

And the 72 hours earlier thing works when they show the same scene from a different angle, or reveal something new – like in Phase One where they do the scene again but add in what Vaughn and Weiss are saying in her ear. This time I could have done without the recap of Syd in the nighty. We should have just watched Vaughn the whole time. It really didn’t add anything.

APO? Dumb name. But, on the upside – wicked cool new call signs. Phoenix? Shotgun? Love it.

Marshall is HILARIOUS! Eggs with Sark? What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall of that scene. And the whole not recognizing anyone bit? And when he said, “Am I dead?” and “Syd… Sloane’s here.” Oh my god I almost wet myself I was laughing so hard. That guy pops my cork.

Weiss as the new Will doesn’t really work for me. He’s too smart and in-the-know to have the wool pulled over his eyes on this whole thing. And her cover is at a bank? Are we supposed to think he’s an idiot? I hope they’re not planning on continuing that charade.

And I’m really over Irina dying. We all knew it was coming. Lena Olin just wasn’t going to come back to the show. So all you people who are upset you need to move on. You can do it, I know you can.

List of things that need to change:
1. Weiss needs to be in the loop.
2. Vaughn needs to act less like a cold fish.
3. Sloane needs to stop touching her. Heebie Jeebie.
4. The intro needs to go back to how it was. This shouldn’t become the Sydney show. And who slapped that together? JJ’s kids?

But even after my critiques I want the world to know, I still love the show from the depths of my heart. I will watch it every week and SO WILL YOU!

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TiVo. And they expect me to go back to regular TV? Nuh uh! This thing is the best invention since fanfiction. Never have I been so entertained. I watch what I want to watch, when I want to watch it and I don't have to sit through commercials? Sign me up! Uh, I mean... let me get a job first, and then perhaps an apartment... and a television... and some extra cash - then sign me up! Woo hoo!

This is a reminder to all the world - like you needed one - that the Alias Premiere is Wednesday, January 5th from 9pm to 11pm on ABC (Alias Broadcasting Company). If you want the recap of the first three seasons before embarking on the fourth (I'll just say for the record that you suck for not watching but at least you're now expressing interest, and that's a great improvement) feel free to come over to my parents' house. We're having a screening on the big screen and my oral recap starts at 8pm. Come eager and willing to learn, and most of all - DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TALKING DURING THE SHOW. It's like talking in church... I imagine it isn't done.

Feel free to stay after 11pm when I watch it again on TiVo. Cause it's gonna be that good.

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I left my purse at the movie theatre the other day. Downtown Hollywood and I just walk away from my purse. How dumb is that? Not only were my wallet, cell phone, and car keys in there... so was my digital camera. Luckily for me, I went to the movie with Loren. The day before my unbelievable stupidity Loren found a purse in a parking lot and turned it in. So when I went to check with lost and found, I found that someone had done the same for me. I guess I used up Loren's good purse karma. Hopefully she won't need it anytime soon.

Ryan recently decided that he would be a nice driver. You know those jerks who drive on the shoulder so that they can cut in further down the highway and skip all the traffic? The guys who you curse and hope they are never allowed to merge? Ryan lets them in. We went shopping the Sunday before Christmas at the Glendale Galleria. This shopping center was so freaking busy that not only did they have cones set up and people directing traffic, they also had police officers in the streets surrounding the parking structures in order to keep everything running smoothly. We had been waiting in line to get into the structure for about five minutes when we were two cars away from the entrance. This jerk came up in the median and tried to nose in front of us. I, of course, started getting angry. What makes this guy so superior that he doesn't have to wait in line or abide by the laws of traffic like the rest of us? Who does he think he is? And if he even thinks for a second that we will forfeit our coveted spot and let this a-hole in he is gravely... yeah. Then Ryan waves him in front of us.

Allie: What the hell do you think you're doing? That guy didn't wait in line! He's going to take our spot now. There's going to be a spot that opens up that should have been ours that now this jerk gets because you have this stupid new "be nice" policy! I didn't sign on for this! I don't want to wait another half hour because you have no mean side!
Ryan: Don't worry.
Allie: What? Don't worry? We've been waiting five minutes just to get off the freaking street! The line of cars is so long that I can't even see the end of it! We have to wait for the shoppers to come out one by one!
Ryan: It will all work out. Just watch. We're going to get a spot that we wouldn't have gotten because I let this guy in front of us.
Allie: Yeah, right. And I'm Santa Clause.
[A man with shopping bags walks between us and The Jerk and proceeds to signal to Ryan that he'll be leaving and taking his Land Rover with the front row parking spot with him.]
Ryan: This year I'd like a flat screen monitor for my computer.

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