Amazon Angie vs. Slamazon Suzy

Yesterday I donned my background cap and took the set of CBS’ JAG by storm. Oh yes, I worked JAG. (Lauren, please wipe up that drool. We don’t need to see that.) Sadly, however, I did not work with Catherine Bell or David James Elliot. I suppose the best is still yet to come.

So now that you know I’m not going to regale you with tales of celebrities (unless you count Bud and his dad, Big Bud, among those ranks), prepare yourself to be regaled with tales of the freaks that are my fellow background actors.

Let me begin with the group I spent most of my time with. Somehow I ended up sitting at a booth the entire day (in holding – offstage) with Danny, Renatta and Terri. Danny was way cool. He was incredibly friendly, and had a lot of background/acting experience that he was eager to share. He gives seminars on breaking into the world prepared, apparently, and he basically gave the three of us a mini one. I took notes for Ryan.

For those of you who went to WU with me, to describe Renatta, I would have to say she was a slightly sedated Briana. Yeah, yikes. She even looked like her. The sad part is she wasn’t the most annoying. The most annoying was Terri.

Terri was a busty size 8. I tell you this only because she said it so many times that it was drilled into my head and it is what I assume she would like to be described as. She was constantly posing the question, “Where is the line between vanity and self-confidence?” I assume she wanted us to tell her that she hadn’t crossed it, but I wasn’t about to lie to the girl. She kept saying, “I’m not vain, I just love my body.” She also informed us (on more than one occasion) that you would never see her without a shirt that revealed her cleavage. She worked hard for her body and she was not about to leave the house in an outfit that did not reveal her best feature. She showed us a picture that she carried in her wallet that was taken at Glamour Shots in the mall. In this picture she was a platinum blonde (in reality she was a brunette, but in another picture she was a redhead) with a red strapless dress, leaning over a column with her elbows together. Yessir, she has a large chest.

After viewing her array of pictures of herself, we questioned her constant change of hair colors. She said that it is, indeed, trying on the poor little strands, but that she treats her hair right. She likes to smother it in mayonnaise and sit in a shower cap, letting the oils soak in. The result is a head of luscious, supple locks. The only negative side effect is that ranch dressing doesn’t taste as good anymore. Apparently, once mayo has soaked into your pores the taste is highlighted in all of your mayo-based edibles. Note to self.

The thing that was most irritating about Terri was her constant stream of “facts.” She likes to know things on a molecular level. For visuals she would ball up her fist (the molecule) and smother it with her other hand (the offending chemical). Did you know that MSG is found in 90% of your food whether there is a warning on it or not? Oh, yes it is. There are certain chemicals that combine to create it. You have to look at the labels to see if those chemicals are ingredients. (For the complete list, feel free to ask Terri.) And Equal and other artificial sweeteners will kill you. Antiperspirant is the real devil, though. It has aluminum in it, which plugs up your pores. She uses natural deodorant to avoid such cloggage.

Imagine a stream of information, including, but not limited to, these tidbits, presented to you at a very high pitch by a pair of large boobs. That is what my day was like. Too tell you the truth, I have no doubt that most of her information is right-on. But really, everything is going to kill you eventually, so you might as well spend you life without pit stains. It was impressive how much information she spewed. I guess the key is to type the list of ingredients on any food you eat or product you use into Google. Then you can find out all you need to know. That’s what she does before she uses anything new.

While she was ranting on the horrors of aspartame, the AD came into the room and said, “We need some people to sit at the bar. Does anyone smoke?” With the enthusiasm of a kindergartener asked who wants an extra Jello cup, Terri waved her arms in the air and shouted, “I do! I do!” After filming several scenes in which she lit up, she went outside to have a smoke break.

She came back to our table later and began her antiperspirant spiel again (because a new person had pulled a chair up to our booth and the poor girl probably had no knowledge of the horrors of the Degree she applied every morning) and Danny and I, in amazing unison, shouted incredulously, “But you smoke!” Terri looked at us like we were aliens and countered that yes, she did smoke, but her lungs got just as polluted by breathing the air when driving behind a bus. Danny asked her if she rolled down her window and stuck her head out to better inhale the exhaust. She rolled her eyes and informed us that the world is a polluted place so smoking wasn’t doing her that much more damage. I told her that was like saying, “I already have antiperspirant in my armpits, I might as well apply it to every inch of my skin.” She told me that it was nothing like that, and that it was a choice she made. Danny and I just looked at each other and changed the subject.

I also spent some time at the bar between two sailors, Bench and Jeffery. Jeffery was very annoying, baby faced, and followed me everywhere. I wanted to punch him. Does that make me a bad person?

Also irritating and freaky was Michael. For those of you who went to WU, again, I can best describe him by saying he was very similar to Bennett. I’m not kidding. People like that exist. He was very weird. At one point he stole some papers from the second AD’s desk. They were crew info sheets or something. He took the papers to his little chair and started reading them. The AD walked by and saw that this kid has his papers, snatched them away and said, “Where did you get those? These are confidential!” To which Michael just stared blankly. He also spent a great deal of time in his chair rocking back and forth like a crazy person. It’s too bad I can’t describe him better to you guys. You really had to be there.

So the scenes we shot took place in Big Bud’s Bar, which not only served drinks, but provided the patrons with entertainment. Specifically, female lingerie wrestlers. Yeah. I am sure that they are going to have to do some cutting of the footage, because I saw plenty that was x-rated. Not NC-17... X. I swear. Eww… It should have been called Big Bud’s Vu Show.

Anyhoo… that’s what happened yesterday. You wanna hear what didn't happen? I didn't get to work on Alias because I was working when the call was on the line. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now official. The casting company I work for is the one that books background for Alias. And I didn't get to do it. Bugger. What makes it even worse was that Alias was filming outside Matt’s office yesterday and I didn’t get to go stalk the set because I was working JAG. Grr… Vartan was there. He bumped into Victoria and smiled at her.

Oh, to be Victoria. *Sigh* Although, next time Vartan apologizes for something, you should definitely say that you don't forgive him, and that the only way he can pay you back for the harm he has caused would be to go out on a date with a certain individual you happen to know that is a big fan. What were you thinking???