Irreconcilable Differences

Or “Four Ways Allie and the World Disagree”

1. Squirrels are so cute!. Um, NO. They’re not cute. They’re not cuddly. They’re not precious. They’re rats in fur coats and they’re out to gnaw at your insides. The fluffy tail is just their way of fooling you into thinking they’re lovable. I am not fooled.

2. Coffee rocks like whoa. Lies! Coffee is foul. It’s what I imagine you would get if you mixed mud and battery acid. I can only assume that the rest of the world has something going on in the taste bud department that enables them to let that sludge pass over their tongues without it immediately going back the way it came. (This taste bud discrepancy also accounts for the world’s fascination with mint and other things that burn.)

3. Friday nights are for partying! I think not. Friday nights are for curling up on the couch with a mug of hot chocolate and grinning unabashedly while watching Stargate: Atlantis. Wow. I get a silly smile on my face just thinking about it. Why on earth (or, you know, not earth) would you rather be at some smoky bar paying seven bucks for a margarita and the company of strangers when you could be in the comfort of your own home watching thebestestshoweveromg!

4. Cell phones r uber. Now that’s just crazy talk. Cell phones are where privacy, solitude and peace go to die. They take away your freedom! Because of these technological “advancements” there is no such thing as “unavailable.” Which is ridiculous! People expect to call you at any time and for you to answer. They expect *gulp* smalltalk! WTH! If I knew how to shoot the shit with people I’d go out more, dangit. I love my friends and family dearly, I really do. But there is something about that damned device that makes me nervous and uncomfortable and I swear it is out to get me with its… ringing and crap. Ugh. If people want instant gratification they can email me for heaven’s sake.

So... is this grounds for divorce?