Today was priming day. Tomorrow was to be painting day. Simple enough.

Walls? Meet your masters. (Sure, they may seem like complete goobers, but they're highly trained in the art of painting faux-wood burled tiles for set construction. They can handle a little white goop in straight lines.)

We labored. We toiled. There wasn't blood this time, but there were tears (from the fumes of the floor refinishing combined with 5 gallon buckets of liquid latex).

...

Allie: I don't think we're going to get this done today.
Ryan: Don't be silly. Of course we are.
Allie: Seems like we have a lot left to do. What time is it, anyway?
Ryan: Um, probably one.
Allie: Really?
Ryan: [checks clock] Oh. It's 2:45.

So, no. We didn't get it done. Not even close. Guess our two day plan just became a four day plan.

Whoops.

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We were at Fred Meyer and Cael said, "Uh oh. I peed in my SpongeBob."

This does not mean he actually peed in his underwear. It means he has the urge to pee and if he doesn't find a bathroom shortly, then the yellow cartoon character that adorns his underwear will become a casualty of potty training.

Ryan and Finn were AWOL purchasing a rake, because while "one stop shopping" is great in theory, it's really not practical when you want milk and large, pointy objects to ride in the same cart.

Because I have absolutely no idea how someone is supposed to go to the bathroom with a stocked grocery cart in tow, we ran around the store to the tune of "Hold it! Hold it! Keep holding it!" until, about five minutes later, we managed to locate Ryan and Finn.

Ryan and I swapped charges and the race was on. I watched their heads disappear beyond the checkout stands and turned toward the pasta aisle.

We'd made it to canned fruit when Ryan and Cael returned, Cael hoisted up on his dad's shoulders. They got closer and the giant wet spot down the front of Ryan's shirt was immediately visible.

My first thought was, "Oh no!" and my second was, "Why on Earth would he put Cael on his shoulders if his pants are soaked in pee?"

Allie: Want to go home and I'll come back and finish the shopping?
Ryan: Why?
Allie: Because your neck is wrapped in urine?

And then the big goober busts into a huge grin and says, "GOTCHA!"

He had poured water on the front of his shirt to fake Cael having an accident.

Such a dork. A dork of epic proportions.

Aren't I lucky?

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Ryan met our kitty-corner backyard neighbor lady this afternoon.

Neighbor: Do you have a bird?
Ryan: Like a pet?
Neighbor: Yeah, an exotic bird. A cockatoo maybe?
Ryan: Nope, no bird.
Neighbor: Hmm. Someone around here does.
Ryan: Really?
Neighbor: Yeah, we can hear it every so often. It's like they take it out for a walk or something.
Ryan: ...

And on the other side of the continent, Marty starts laughing and doesn't know why.

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Usually Cael's bath with Ryan ends with them both calling, "Mama!" That's when they're ready for towels. Occasionally the call will come in early if Cael starts drinking the bathwater and needs a cup of tap water instead. The other day, however, the call for Mama came for an entirely different reason and was accompanied by a panicked, "Help!"

I ran to the bathroom and found Ryan practically crawling up the wall of the tub with Cael secured in his lap. Ryan repeated his cry for help with a look of utter terror on his face and Cael was totally nonplussed.

Allie: Hi, guys. What's up?
Ryan: Help!
Allie: Are you ready to get out?
Ryan: Help!
Allie: Help with what?
Ryan: Get it out!
Allie: Get what... oh.

And there, resting conspicuously at the bottom of the tub was the biggest turd Cael has ever produced. Seriously huge. And if that weren't offensive enough, more poo debris was floating aimlessly through the water, which Ryan was trying valiantly to escape.

Allie: Wow. That's huge.
Ryan: Just get it out!
Allie: How do you want me to get it out?
Ryan: I don't know! How do you usually get rid of the poop when Cael goes in the tub?
Allie: I drain it.
Ryan: Then drain it! Hurry!

I reached over, flipped the switch, and the water started heading for the drain... followed immediately by the giant turd. This probably wouldn't have been an issue had we not made a habit of removing the drain filter during Cael's baths so he won't impale himself on the sharp metal prongs. But, since there was no cover, the turd plowed straight ahead and down the drain only to be stopped by the built-in stopper about 2 inches down. So there it was, in all its giant poo glory, sticking out of the drain like a nail waiting for a hammer.

Allie: Uh oh.
Ryan: What?
Allie: This has never happened before. I didn't factor in the size of the poo.
Ryan: What do you mean and why is the tub not draining?
Allie: It's clogged!
Ryan: Well, unclog it!
Allie: You know you are like a lady standing on a chair when she sees a mouse, right? It's just a little feces.
Ryan: Unclog it!

So, after weighing my options, I decided the best course of action would be to grab a handful of toilet paper and grab the turd. I, of course, neglected to take into account the reason toilet paper is toilet paper - it disintegrates in water. Before my hand made it from the surface to the drain the paper had come completely unraveled. Obvious solution:

Ryan: Get a bigger wad of it!

Bigger wad of toilet paper still didn't make it all the way to the drain. Nor did the next few wads. But now the tub was filled with chunks of poop, wisps of toilet paper and the world's largest turd.

Ryan: Use a baby wipe or something!
Allie: But then I can't flush it!
Ryan: I don't care what you do with it, just get it out!

And get it out I did.

Allie: Okay, it's draining.
Ryan: The rest of the poo is incoming!
Allie: We have to stop it before it goes down the drain!
Ryan: Throw on the cover!

The drain cover does indeed stop the poo from going down the drain. The new problem that arises, however, comes when the wisps of toilet paper and little chunklettes of poop clog the cover. I spent the next several minutes scraping accumulated bits of poo and paper so that the tub could drain.

Later that evening, after everyone had been sterilized, Ryan observed: "You know, I saw it coming."

Allie: The poo?
Ryan: Yeah. He stood up and started going and I watched the whole thing play out.
Allie: That's disturbing.
Ryan: What's disturbing is that all I am thinking now is, "Damn. I should have just reached out and caught it."
Allie: See that's the difference between you and I.
Ryan: In retrospect you still wouldn't have grabbed it?
Allie: No, in retrospect I would have taken a shower instead of a bath.

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True story from a day in the life of Ryan.

Mike is the bartender at the restaurant where Ryan works -- and they're not really friends. Not at all. So, Ryan was a bit surprised when Mike came up to him:

Mike: Hey dude... when was the last time you smoked pot?
Ryan: Um... I, uh... I tried it once in college. Didn't sit well.
Mike: You taking any heavy meds?
Ryan: Er... I'm taking Nyquil.
Mike: Perfect. Dude, you could totally help me out.
Ryan: Um. What's going on?
Mike: Dude. I need some pee.
Ryan: Oh. Um. You have to take a test for work?
Mike: No, bro. I got this custody thing for my fuckin kids.
Ryan: Ah.
Mike: I need some piss by Wednesday. [Mike whips out a water bottle] Think you could take a little pee?
Ryan: [Lying through his teeth] Oh, man. Very unfortunate, but I just relieved myself about 15 minutes ago.
Mike: No way, man. That sucks.
Ryan: Yeah.
Mike: I need it by Wednesday, dude. And I see you're not on the schedule. Can you come in and do it tomorrow?
Ryan: Oh, well, I don't know. I've got lots to do tomorrow.
Mike: Man, this sucks. I asked Sean and he said he wouldn't even do it for his best friend. What kind of bullshit is that, man.
Ryan: That's rough.
Mike: Totally. So are you going to be able to make it in?
Ryan: No, dude. Sorry.
Mike: Alright, dude, well I'll call you tomorrow around noon and see if you can come in. I need some piss by Wednesday.
Ryan: ...

Poor Ryan first thought he was being hit up for a drug deal of some sort and it turns out he's wanted for his cleanliness and ability to urinate.

I told him to take the halo off his head before going into work.

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[Allie and Ryan are sitting at their respective computers… not two feet apart… and rather than speaking to each other –they’re typing]

Ryan: man this tool is totally spamming ooc
Allie: ya no kidding. rtfm already
Ryan no joke
Ryan: OMG
Allie: what?
Ryan: lol
Allie: wassap
Ryan: check out this toon.
Allie: brt
Ryan: hurry up.
Allie: bite mah. i’m omw.
Ryan: bah
Allie: kk which one? the swashy?
Ryan: no the de
Allie: wth? total twink.
Ryan: ya think?
Allie: pristine imbued steel on a 20 sk? totally.
Ryan: what a tool.
Allie: well he may be l33t but he’ll never be as uber as lady.
Ryan: uhuh
Allie: ladyfire ubertank PWNS
Ryan: lady = n00b
Allie: stfu
Ryan: lae would kill lady in pvp
Allie: my juggernaught > wood elf zerk
Ryan: uhuh
Allie: /sigh
Ryan: wheres dav?
Allie: otm from RV
Ryan: kewl. lets farm
Allie: nah nek harvests suck. shrubs the only nodes worth more than one cp
Ryan: wanna xp?
Allie: hey lets kite this dood. i need to get better at ranged
Ryan: kk. don’t forget to lotto you plooter. i still need my l&l.
Allie: hey I gotta afk. af on lae
Ryan: kk
Allie: ty
Ryan: np
Allie: watch that mob, i’m kos
Ryan: lmfao you got bigger concerns than aggro. imma drop you off a n’marr’s
Allie: yah rt. we’ve got no sow. i’ll be back before you get there.
Ryan: heh

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Allie: Did you hear the news?
Ryan: Most likely.
[Silence]
Allie: That’s it?
Ryan: What’s what?
Allie: That’s the end of the dialogue? You don’t want to know what the news is?
Ryan: I told you, I would assume I already know it.
Allie: So you’re not even curious?
Ryan: Not really.
Allie: You suck.
Ryan: I’m sorry.
Allie: Does anyone want to know what the news is?
Adam: I do.
Allie: Yes! Thank you! Okay, so they’ve decided when Alias will start up again!
Ryan: I told you I already knew it.
Adam: That’s it? That’s your news?
Allie: Yeah, doesn’t it rock?
Adam: No, no it doesn’t. That definitely was not worth the trip. I’m going back to Salem.
[Exit Adam]
Allie: Hey, he left without hearing when it is going to start.
Ryan: I don’t think he cares.
Allie: He wanted to be in a dialogue. The least he could have done was pretend to be interested.
Ryan: Maybe he should have picked a more interesting dialogue to pop up in.
Allie: Shove it.
Ryan: Consider it shoved.
Clio: I want to know when Alias will premiere!
Ryan: Wait a minute… you can’t make Clio talk.
Allie: I can do whatever I want. I am the hand of god in this blog and I will use my powers as I see fit.
Ryan: Yeah, but employing the dog? Don’t you think that’s a little desperate?
Allie: Careful, don’t offend the hand of god.
Ryan: Or what, you’ll cut me out of your lame-ass dialogues?
Allie: You’re going to regret that. Michael, please show Ryan the way out.
[Michael Vartan grabs Ryan and roughly forces him toward the door.]
Ryan: You can’t do this! This is fictional!
Allie: Oh yeah, tell it to the bruises, Jacko!
[Ryan is forced out the door by the beautiful hands of greek-god-Vartan.]
Michael: Allie, I was wondering if you could tell me when Alias premieres.
Allie: They didn’t tell you? I’m surprised. You do star in it.
Michael: Oh, they told me, but I’d love to hear it from your sweet lips.
[Allie blushes]
Allie: Oh, okay. If you really want to.
Michael: It’s more than a desire. It’s a necessity.
Allie: Well, they’re moving it to Wednesdays after Lost. So it will begin on January 5th at 9pm.
Michael: You have a way of making even the most mundane things poetic.
Allie: Aw shucks.
Michael: Would you like to run away with me?
Allie: I thought you’d never ask.
Michael: No you didn’t.
Allie: Okay, you’re right. I knew it would happen sooner or later.

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Allie: Do you ever wonder about bananas?
Ryan: All the time.
Allie: I mean, they’re so easy to peel. The perfect outside protecting the mushy inside. Edible completely separate from the inedible.
Ryan: Why does that confuse you?
Allie: It just doesn’t make sense. And how does that benefit the banana in any way? It’s not like it can peel itself to spread its seed.
Ryan: That sort of thing doesn’t really bother me.
Allie: It doesn’t bother you?
Ryan: It’s a matter of convenience.
Allie: How is that convenient for the fruit itself?
Ryan: You damn evolutionist, you.
Allie: Are you telling me that you believe the banana is so easily peelable because that’s the way God made it?
Ryan: Yup. He wanted to make it easy to eat.
Allie: Oye.
Ryan: That’s why he didn’t make chickens come plucked and pre-cooked. Because we weren’t supposed to eat animals.
Allie: Oh no. You’re telling me that not only are you religious, but you’re also a vegetarian?
Ryan: No.
Allie: Wait, but I though we weren’t supposed to eat animals.
Ryan: That was before Eve ate the apple. We’re clear now.
Allie: Okay, granted, I don’t know the story that well… but I feel like I would have heard the part where God told “Eve” that she could chow down on her furry friends.
Ryan: The bible doesn’t go in depth so much when it comes to the progression of eating. But they didn’t eat animals before the apple, and they did after.
Allie: How do you know that? Does it say that somewhere?
Ryan: God told me.
Allie: Did he speak through George W? Because I must say, I don’t think he’s as much of a direct conduit as he claims.
Ryan: If he is a conduit, someone needs to talk to God about raising his standards.
Allie: And why don’t we talk to America about that while we’re at it.
Ryan: I’m on it. Can I finish my beefstick now?
Allie: Go ahead, my child. Go ahead.

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Allie: I want to blog, but I've got nothing to say.
Ryan: Then don't blog.
Allie: How utterly predictable.
Ryan: Ass.
Allie: No cussing. Children might be reading.
Ryan: I can see it now - children pushing each other out of the way, running from the playground in a mad rush to read your blog.
Allie: Ass.
Ryan: Ah, ah, ah... the kiddies.
Allie: My bad. So, anyway...
Ryan: Let me guess. You want to blog.
Allie: Am I that transparent?
Ryan: Like butta'. Wait. That's not transparent.
Allie: I find this conversation far from entertaining. What do I pay you for again?
Ryan: Shh... the grandparents.
Allie: Alright, alright. So tell my dear viewers your news.
Ryan: I'm a woman.
Allie: They already knew that. Tell them your other news.
Ryan: You mean *gasp* the auditions?
Allie: Well, yes. I mean the auditions. Though I could have done without the sarcasm. Waiter, bring me a martini.
Waiter: Right away, Ma'am.
Allie: Excuse me?
Waiter: Miss. Right away miss.
[exit waiter]
Allie: No tip for him.
Ryan: You weren't going to tip him anyway.
Allie: Alcohol is obscenely expensive. I can't afford to tip as well.
Ryan: Says the woman applying for unpaid internships.
[enter waiter]
Waiter: Here's your drink.
Allie: Gracias, muchacho.
[exit waiter]
Ryan: He didn't look Spanish to me.
Allie: What, like 'gracias' isn't universally accepted as 'thanks'?
Ryan: Damn.
Allie: Oh my god.
Ryan: What?
Allie: Don't look now...
[Ryan immediately looks]
Allie: I told you not to look!
Ryan: That's like the first rule of the jungle.
Allie: What?
Ryan: If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. You'll just die in the jungle alone.
Allie: No, I don't think I will.
[enter Michael Vartan]
Vartan: Is this seat taken?
Allie: No. *Drool* No, it's not.
Ryan: Excuse me? I'm in the chair. Hello???
[Vartan knocks Ryan off the chair with nary a flick of his wrist.]
Vartan: Did you hear something?
Allie: No, sir. I did not hear a thing.
Ryan: *Squeak*
Vartan: I saw you from afar and was wondering if you would do me a favor.
Allie: Anything. Of course. Yes, I'd love to. Sure. Yup. Uh huh.
Vartan: Jennifer Garner contracted some disease from Ben Affleck. They're recasting the lead role of Alias. Would you consider taking the part?
Allie: *Squeak*
Vartan: Oh, and would you like to go out with me sometime?
[Allie falls off chair as Ryan recovers and takes her now vacant seat]
Ryan: So, do you think Affleck is available again?
Vartan: Sure. I'm pretty sure she dumped him. Moved on to her costar from 13 Going on 30.
Ryan: Score. I love pink diamonds.
Vartan: Whatever you say, buddy. Hey, I've got to go do a photo shoot. Can you give that lovely vixen this number?
Ryan: Sure.
[exit Vartan]
[Allie recovers and takes a seat at the table]
Allie: Was it a dream?
[Ryan pockets the number]
Ryan: Yes, yes it was.
Allie: Damn.
Ryan: So...
Allie: So...
Ryan: How was your day?
Allie: Fine. Yours?
Ryan: Fine.
*Silence*
Ryan: I think this conversation is deteriorating.
Allie: Alright, then let's end it. But we have to end with something really, really funny.
Ryan: So there are these two muffins in an oven...

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