Ryan is obsessed. Seriously, he can’t stop. It’s an addiction and I just don’t know what to do about it. He is constantly looking at himself in the mirror. Our closet doors are mirrored and he sits at his computer, or on the bed, or sometimes just stands there and looks at himself. The worst is when we’re sitting and having a conversation – does he look at me? No. Why would he do that when there is something more attractive to fixate on?

Celebrity sighting. Oh, that’s right. We were in the Gap with Abigail Breslin. Who is she? Well, she’s a child star, according to her website. She was the little girl on Signs with Mel Gibson. That’s not why I recognized her. I remembered seeing her on Law & Order once. She was a little girl who had two moms due to some fertility clinic mishap. The reason I remember her is because she sobbed practically the entire episode. Kyle and I were making fun of her… we figured the casting agency was like, “Give us a human sprinkler,” and they landed her. No acting skills, just the ability to spew salty tears at the drop of a hat. Anyway, she was accompanying her mom. No paparazzi. Apparently “child star” doesn’t warrant constant attention.

On our way out of the Gap we saw something interesting. A lady in an SUV was pulling a horse trailer – complete with horse. An ugly white thing, but a horse, nonetheless. What is odd about this scenario is that the woman pulled into a parking spot, got out, and proceeded to go into the shopping center. She went into the Gap and left her palomino in the parking lot. HUH? Did the urge to buy a fitted-tee strike her on the way to the stables? Could she not have stopped another time? Without the horse, perhaps?

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I’ve found my soul mate – it’s Patti. Yes, that’s right. She’ll watch Alias with me. Not only will she watch it, but she will watch numerous episodes in one sitting. Today we watched three (Salvation, The Counteragent and The Passage Part I, for those of you who care – who I am guessing are few). If only Matt didn’t come home and ruin everything. Blast him and his bad taste. I mean, really… who doesn’t want to watch Alias all night? What kind of psycho drugs is he on?

The only problem I can find with my new Alias partner is her misguided interest in Will. Come on, Swill (that’s fan-speak for Syd/Will if you couldn’t decode that on your own) fans went out the door years ago. It’s Syd/Vaughn all the way, baby. Patti keeps calling Vaughn a weenie and saying that he doesn’t know Sydney as well as The Willage Idiot ™ does. To that I say – okay, maybe you’re right. But Vaughn is hot and there are numerous scenes fraught with sexual tension. And his watch stopped the day they met. He’s obviously the man for her. Like, duh, Patti. Like, duh.

At least she’s not Sarkney. I would have to terminate our sessions.

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Alright. Due to excessive interest, I’m going to tell you about my day as a star. Or, not star. Extra. But that’s as close to a star as I’ve come, and you weren’t there, so you don’t know – therefore I’m going to call myself a star. So there. *Sticks out tongue*

Oh, and Ryan was a star too.

Okay, for those of you who don’t know, Ryan and I appeared as “background” (the new word for “extra”) on the set of WB’s The Gilmore Girls. Ryan was slated as “Townsperson” and “Yale Student” and I was hired as a “Waitress”.

Once I got there I stood around for two and a half hours before getting an hour lunch break. After lunch I started to work. We moved from the town (where Ryan had been walking) to the Pub. For a three-page scene we shot the same thing from five different angles. Which would not have taken five and a half hours had Alexis Bledel (the daughter) known her lines. Seriously. The girl was horrible. As you know, if you watch the show, she’s not the best actress. Most of the world wonders why they cast her in the first place, but they don’t even know the half of it. It’s like she doesn’t even try. She just rambles what sort of resembles her lines and tries to pass it off. The script supervisor has got to be dying. Poor guy. Anyway, we did like a fragillion takes just ‘cause she couldn’t make it through without stopping. Which, in itself, would not make her a bitch, but her personality put her over the edge. Talk about your spoiled little brat. Sheesh. Every time they would yell ‘cut’, her wardrobe lady would run (and I mean RUN) to her with a giant fluffy coat and wrap her up. Like the girl wouldn’t last a second longer without dying or something. Once they had to hold for a minute because of a technical problem, and little angel Alexis had to wait for a minute. Then the director yelled, “Come on people, she’s out in the cold! Let’s move!” Like we, the background, hadn’t been freezing our butts off for the past six hours. Plus, she had some little phone thing, or palm pilot – I couldn’t figure it out, and she was playing with it every time she wasn’t filming. Like every second. She was punching in things and talking on it. It was like she couldn’t be without it. If she only spent that time looking at her script.

So, there was a lot of standing, and a lot of repeating. And let me just say it was FREAKING cold. Ryan estimates it was 40 degrees. And I concur. We were dying. And since we were supposed to be inside (when we were actually in a shell of a room) we were not allowed to wear coats or anything. So we just froze to death. My poor fellow waitress was wearing a miniskirt and fishnets. She was suffering. At one point my waitress friend (Michelle) and I were inside the bar while they were filming a street scene. They wanted there to be heads in the windows so the place didn’t look empty. Anyway, we were just sitting inside, being heads and shivering. In an attempt to warm up, we were huddling over little restaurant candles. The prop guys were in there too, just sitting at the bar talking (I don’t know why, but I suppose they had nothing else to do) and they felt so sorry for us that they ended up giving us their jackets and gloves.

So the first pub shot started out with the camera following me as I delivered a tray of beers, but in the end it got cut to just starting with my butt. That’s what the cameraman said. We got to talking (he felt bad for me that I was shivering, plus he wanted to compliment me on my stellar waitressing skills) while we were waiting for bitchass to learn her lines. He said that it looked like the first part would be cut, but my butt would definitely get screen time. So keep an eye out for that. Also, Ryan and I are in the background a lot. He’ll be easy to spot in the pub. He’s playing pool and wearing a Willamette/Griffindor scarf. Then there is another scene were girly and her friend are walking down the street in the dark and people are crossing behind them. Ryan comes out with stumbly/drunk boy and I cross a little later in a bright yellow coat. It’s like we’re famous.

Anyway, Ryan put in a fourteen-hour day and I worked for ten (not counting our lunch break). So it was really cold for a really long time. It wasn’t what I could classify as “fun” but it was a good experience, and I think I’ll do it again. It pays, anyway.

It will air on November 30th at 8pm. I’d recommend taping it if you want to see us, because my guess is you’re going to want to pause it to make sure it’s really us. Plus, if you tape it, then when I write you exactly where we cross the screen, you can go back, watch it, and realize that we’re not really stars.

Points of interest:

- We saw Lauren Graham, Scott Patterson, and Alexis Bledel. Ryan picked up Ms. Graham’s newspaper and I brushed up against Alexis a few times.

- Two of the extras had been paired as a couple on Blind Date and ended up sleeping together but never speaking again. So it was really awkward between them but really funny to watch.

- A good portion of the extras use their free time to hit on the other extras. At least three pairs of them ended up going home together at 1:30am when we finally were released.

Also an interesting thing I learned to notice is that shows really reuse their background people. They bank on the viewers not noticing, but when you look it’s really obvious. Ryan and I watched Friends and Will & Grace yesterday and were watching for background actors. In both shows they had the same people walk by, going the same direction multiple times. It was pretty funny. But it’s true… you don’t notice the extras. Unless, of course, it’s a really hot waitress.

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Allie: Do you ever wonder about bananas?
Ryan: All the time.
Allie: I mean, they’re so easy to peel. The perfect outside protecting the mushy inside. Edible completely separate from the inedible.
Ryan: Why does that confuse you?
Allie: It just doesn’t make sense. And how does that benefit the banana in any way? It’s not like it can peel itself to spread its seed.
Ryan: That sort of thing doesn’t really bother me.
Allie: It doesn’t bother you?
Ryan: It’s a matter of convenience.
Allie: How is that convenient for the fruit itself?
Ryan: You damn evolutionist, you.
Allie: Are you telling me that you believe the banana is so easily peelable because that’s the way God made it?
Ryan: Yup. He wanted to make it easy to eat.
Allie: Oye.
Ryan: That’s why he didn’t make chickens come plucked and pre-cooked. Because we weren’t supposed to eat animals.
Allie: Oh no. You’re telling me that not only are you religious, but you’re also a vegetarian?
Ryan: No.
Allie: Wait, but I though we weren’t supposed to eat animals.
Ryan: That was before Eve ate the apple. We’re clear now.
Allie: Okay, granted, I don’t know the story that well… but I feel like I would have heard the part where God told “Eve” that she could chow down on her furry friends.
Ryan: The bible doesn’t go in depth so much when it comes to the progression of eating. But they didn’t eat animals before the apple, and they did after.
Allie: How do you know that? Does it say that somewhere?
Ryan: God told me.
Allie: Did he speak through George W? Because I must say, I don’t think he’s as much of a direct conduit as he claims.
Ryan: If he is a conduit, someone needs to talk to God about raising his standards.
Allie: And why don’t we talk to America about that while we’re at it.
Ryan: I’m on it. Can I finish my beefstick now?
Allie: Go ahead, my child. Go ahead.

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You’ve got to be shitting me. This is the epitome of patheti-lame. I am seriously feeling nauseous. To 50-odd percent of America I’ve just got to ask – what the hell were you thinking? Take off your blinders and remove your earplugs. The man is an undisputed idiot. And he thinks God talks through him? Well, let me just say I don’t know a thing about God but I would certainly hope that he or she would know how to speak English, Spanish, French, Azeri... an actual freaking language instead of the garbly goop this numps spews. What a dolt. Stupid piece of… HOW COULD YOU VOTE FOR HIM???

And let me talk just a minute about the fact that eleven states (including Oregon) passed a measure that writes discrimination and hatred into the constitution. The fact that we even vote on this bullshit is pure and utter insanity. What infringement on your rightwing religious elitist lives is it for homosexuals to marry? People make me sick! How is it possible in this day and age that we can’t allow everyone the basic decency of human rights? WTF is your problem??? I… ugh… grr… ahhhhhh!!!

I don’t know what incenses me more – that people in this country are so incredibly blind and stupid or that they are narrow-minded bigots.

I can’t even talk anymore. I’ll let others talk for me.

“I hate dumbasses.” -Lauren

“I don’t want to think about it, I’m so depressed.” -Matt

“I'm very f***ing pissed off at our stupid conservative f***ing nation and it's goddamned single mindedness and lunacy.” -Sean

“Where did all the smart people go? Did they move to Canada?” -Dad

“I’m going to throw up.” -Mom

Yeah, Mom, me too. I’ll use the supplied barf bag on my flight to Vienna. I’ve got to get out of this place.

I better wake up tomorrow and find that this got sorted out during the night.

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I’ve decided I’m not incredibly fond of the monster that I have become. Just call me Lazysaurus. Sure, indolence is a virtue. But I think I need to look into having more than one enviable quality. So, in my effort to perk up my future personal ads, I’ve made some November resolutions.

1) Get your lazy good for nothing ass out of bed before 9… or 10. Ten. Definitely ten.
2) Though running in bed is highly amusing, it is not as effective as running around the neighborhood. Give that a try.
3) Because of excess Halloween consumption, candy or chocolate of any form is hereby forbidden for 30 days.
4) Do push-ups every night. Perhaps thirty. Maybe one day you’ll be able to do real push-ups. (Otherwise Arnold has permission to call you a girlie-man.)
5) Only vampires stay awake until 6am. So stop it. You’re not a vampire.
6) Figure out whatever is up with the funk you’re in and snap out of it. The people need their funny blogs. They deserve their funny blogs.
7) Stop making fun of vegetarians. They can’t help it.
8) Stop making fun of Bush fans. They can’t help it
9) Start driving. You’ll never learn how to deal with California drivers or figure out how the hell to get from place to place until you try.
10) Stop using the imaginary brake when Ryan drives. Lord knows it doesn’t work, anyway.
11) Stop watching Matt and Patti through the glass doors while they sleep. One of these days they're going to catch you.

There you have it. I figured if I posted this information, I'd be more likely to follow through. We shall see. I have Ryan tasked to be my personal Hitler. I think he's pumped.

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