From the Floor

Sometimes when I’m feeling low I like to watch Mamut. I find that the immaturity of it all is like someone farting in class. Short, sweet and embarrassingly funny. I was not in the highest of spirits today, but after one viewing of the online cartoon I felt instantly cheered. Woot woot for the Mamut. I think everyone should have a Mamut… something that instantly brings you happiness. Mine is a cartoon drawn by five year olds who don’t even speak my language. Yet somehow we have an indescribable bond. I lurve me some Mamut creators.

Now, I bet a few of you are thinking – “Ha ha! Mamut is da bomb!” and some of you are thinking “Mamut? HUH?” To the first group I say, “You are my kindred spirits. We will forever be connected in the chicitito land of humor.” To the second group I say, “I would show you the Mamut, I would lead you to the promised land… but you people didn’t like the Instanity Test. If you don’t think the racecar is hilarious (Ryan and I are laughing right now just thinking about it) then I’m not going to waste the Mamut’s time on you.”

Right now I desperately desire a Mudslide. Ryan bought me the pre-made stuff that they sell in grocery stores (I’ll get to that in a minute), but alas, it is 11pm and Matt and Patti are sleeping. Therefore I cannot use the blender. Oh sweet agony, why doest thou taunt me with mudslide near yet far?

Okay, so the liquor in the grocery stores business… why has Oregon outlawed this again? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Yeah, I don’t get it. It seems really logical to me, and very convenient. Boo on the state. You have deprived me of a wonderful time and energy saving way of getting boozed up. Yes, you – Oregon. Why were you not fostering my laziness? Did you not want me to grow up and be the immobile slug that I aspire to be? And moreover, isn’t it just encouraging gas consumption? Isn’t it bad for the environment that I have to drive to the liquor store when I’m already at the supermarket? You should be ashamed!

Have you ever taken the time to listen to the Oscar Mayer Wiener song? I mean, really listen to it? You watch the children with their little pudgy faces singing about how “I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener… then everyone would be in love with me.” Is that not wrong on so many levels? First of all, what sane child wishes they were ground up parts of reject meat? Not even the good meat – I mean… this is the stuff they pick up off the floor. And is that how children should want to get love? By tasting good when slathered with mustard? I think we should explain to these young ones that the kind of love they really should desire is not the love a person feels for their hot dog, but the love a person feels for their child.