Third Round Rant

Since I don’t want to turn this into a political blog, and since I know little about politics… I’ll just focus on what’s important – the superficial. Dodge the hard issues and get to what really matters – George’s big fat mistakes. (On a personal note - I won't hate you if you like Bush. The question is, will you hate me?)

Was anyone else distracted by the large blob of spit that had accumulated and taken up residence in the right corner of Bush’s mouth? Dude. Someone needed to get him a towel or use sign language to communicate the word “slurp.” The man was having serious issues.

Umm… “Hello wardrobe department? Yes, this is George W. I’d like to get Kerry’s lucky tie for the third debate. Cool? Cool.” Yeah, Kerry wore the same tie to every debate and now Bush’s sporting its long lost cousin? Wuzzup wit dat, yo?

Allie’s Helpful Hints to Gee Double-Ya Bush:

1) Just because Kerry says you said something or did something that makes you look bad, you can’t deny it if it’s true. Yes, you own a timber company. Yes, you said you didn’t care where Osama was hiding. Learn your lesson.

2) The incredulous face really doesn’t work for ya. You know, the one were you look all constipated and open your mouth, thereby implying that what Kerry is saying is fictional? Not attractive, nor helpful to your cause.

3) Try not to rip on the credibility of the moderator. It’s a no-no to say that CBS is not a reliable informant when they bankroll Mr. Schieffer. And if you don’t think the major news sources are reliable, who is? Should I turn to georgebush.com for some unbiased facts?

Bush: "In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations about -- oh, nevermind. Anyway, let me quote the Lewin report. The Lewin report is a group of folks who are not politically affiliated."

And CBS is being funded by Democrats? Yeah, nevermind is right.

4) That little red light? Yeah, that mean’s you’re DONE.

5) Don’t laugh out loud. You sound like the devil. Little children will run from you. I know I want to.

6) That pause you do – the one where you’re waiting for the audience to react? Yeah. Cut it. You’re not as funny as you think you are. No one is laughing, so don’t wait for it. It ain’t coming.
Example:

Schieffer: I would like to ask you: Who bears responsibility for this? Is it the government? Is it the insurance companies? Is it the lawyers? Is it the doctors? Is it the administration?
You: Gosh, I sure hope it’s not the administration.
[Mother of all silences ensues]

… see right there. You should have just kept on trucking. Maybe we wouldn’t have noticed that you were trying to make a joke.

7) Don’t refer to yourself as “George W.” I can refer to myself in the third person, but you – can’t. Not cool.

8) If you want to get the vote of the younger audience, don’t refer to them as youngsters.

9) Try and keep from contradicting yourself in the same speech. When you say that you will give jobs to Mexicans “as long as there is no American willing to take it” and then in the next breath say you don’t want them to “live in the shadows of society” you confuse me. Is that not in the shadow when they only get the reject jobs?

10) When they give you two minutes, try and take at least 20 seconds of it. Otherwise you look like you don’t know the answer. Perhaps you don’t?

11) Don’t pound on the podium. It doesn’t help your rabid monkey image.

12) Okay, now listen well – the scowl jokes are not funny. Instead of focusing all that energy into witty remarks about the hideous facial contortion, try just not making it.

13) Please, god… SLURP THAT STUFF UP.