Pump It Up

So - I've been working out.

/sigh

Please stop laughing.

I'm serious.

It's true.

Anyway. BootCampBitch -- uh, I mean, my dear dear sister Lauren has put me on a vigorous routine. It started about two months ago, but I'll admit, I wasn't a very good little soldier to start with. I've been known to... uh... er... hide under the bed when BCB was looking for a workout partner. To solve this little problem, master drill sergeant has instituted a new regime -- this one comes complete with punishment.

That's right. If I don't workout six days a week [doom] I have to add an extra 15 minutes onto my next cardio session [/doom].

This may not seem like much, but let me tell you - when the digital display on that stationary bicycle hits 4:59 I'm already internally weeping. You can imagine the horror if I knew I couldn't stop the insanity until it said 45:00. I'd probably cycle myself right off a cliff. (No small feat when the wheels don't touch ground.)

Needless to say, this punishment thing is working. I have yet to skip a day. /beams

So three days a week I'm at the Courthouse Athletic Club humiliating myself by performing girl pushups in front of all the local boys and fifty year old women who do a damn good Jack Palance.

The remaining three days find me in BCB's garage listening to the wit of Tony the VHS workout man. Oh, and let me not forget "the kids" - Paul and Lisa. Lisa, btw looks like Alanis Morisette and punches so lamely that should she wind up toe-to-toe with a four year old, I'd advise her to run for the hills. Paul is simply eye-candy for Lauren. Tony is, well, maybe funny the first time. But let me tell you, the jokes get old after the tenth viewing. You can imagine them now. And every single time he tells me to "suck it up" I lose a little bit of my will to live.

Anyway, I'm doing my 90 days and I actually am seeing results. I'm buff like woah and not afraid to flex for you. Maybe one day I'll do pushups that don't bruise my knees. (Maybe not.) But here's the deal with exercising: It never stops! 90 days. Then what? Then 90 more days! And 90 more! For the rest of my life!?!?! I object. I veto this crap. I will not stand for an existence as excruciating as this. It has to end. You should be able to workout until you get your desired look and then stop, leaving your body exactly how it is. You reach your goal and then you quit, damnit. What's up with this constant maintenance crap? Who invented that?