Adam sent me a link to a time-out trick, which I immediately ran out and bought the supplies to create.  We've been doing it for a little over 24 hours now, but I'm totally sold on it.  Sit the offender in a chair, shake the bottle, set it down, and they're not to be released from timeout until the glitter settles (which, for the one we made, is about a minute).  It not only gives a specific and clear amount of time, but it gives them something to focus on and something to calm them.  Plus, we had fun making it!

(password: Allie)

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Click to enlarge

You can tell Cael is Very Serious because he put on his hat and packed his (brother's) backpack.  Also, it's never the right time to give a 2 year-old laxatives.  True story.

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You don't need a kitchen scale when you have a perfectly functioning scale on the floor of your bathroom.

True story.

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Cael loves baths. Loves them right up until it's time to wash his hair. Then they become screaming fests. Full blown tantrums with swatting arms and big, crocodile tears. It's been that way for probably close to two years now. We only wash his hair every other bath, just to preserve some amount of pleasure in the experience. He got special toys, crayons, bubbles - every little thing possible to make his bath more entertaining. And it has made them more entertaining, but regardless of how much fun he had in the lead-in, once we get to the main event all hell breaks loose.

He flips out when water gets on his hair because he's convinced that means it's headed straight for his eyes. (Anyone who's seen him in swim class knows, even the thought of it makes him start screaming.) We tried special pitchers, washcloths, different shower heads - nothing was good enough for him. If he felt a single drop on his cheek, the game was over.

Well, no more! Cael's "Super Duper Magic Hat" arrived in the mail and was put to use during his bath today. I swore up and down that he would get not a single drop of water in his eyes if he let me put the hat on before I washed his hair. He very reluctantly agreed (there may have been bribery involved). I'll let Cael tell you how the whole experience worked out:

He even asked for a second washing. I kid you not! He requested his hair be washed! Best thing ever.

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I figured out how to get Cael to eat cereal.

Simply put something - besides the spoon full of cereal - in front of his face. He will instinctively lean toward it with his mouth open. Intercept with spoon!

Voila!

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In my continued effort to tell you things they don't tell you about pregnancy:

When to go to the hospital:

MYTH: When your contractions are five minutes apart, last for one minute each, and continue for an hour.

FACT: When you cannot walk or speak through your contractions.

Um, yeah. I had contractions for over 24 hours. They started about 7 minutes apart and were getting progressively more painful (but not incredibly painful). By yesterday at 1pm they were 3 minutes apart. So I end up calling my doctor (mostly because all the men at work were
flipping out and threatening to throw me over their shoulders and take me themselves) and she says go to the hospital. I go to the hospital, get all strapped up and monitored and my contractions are 2 minutes apart.

They keep me there for 4 hours with their frowny "hmm" faces on and then say, "You can walk and talk through your contractions. You probably have a day or so left."

DUDE. TELL ME THIS BEFORE I COME TO THE HOSPITAL. Wth? If that's a rule? It should be listed in the rules! What is this 5 minutes apart crap? Why doest thou lie to me and make me feel like a reject?

Also, I'd like to point out that on the discharge papers they gave me that tell you when to return it says, "When your contractions are five minutes apart, last for one minute and continue for an hour." Um, yes... been there done that and got sent home. Thanks for playing.

Anyway, poor Ryan. I've hit the cranky/weepy portion of our program and I just want this thing OUT. Gah.

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Just when you thought I couldn't get any dorkier.

English? Not my only language. And because this post was such a hit (totally need a sarcasm font) I thought I'd write another installment. Because there's more than one way to speak geek.

Languages to Master:
English
Spanish
Smalltalk
Pig Latin
Video Nerd
Fangirl

Special note: Fangirl is a language that is not intended to be spoken. Attempts at speaking will reflect poorly on the mental state of the guilty party. This is a text language, yo.

Let us begin with highlighting the differences between Fangirl and Video Nerd. First off -- and perhaps most important -- is the emote. Due to the nature of online conversing, emotion/actions must be expressed through text rather than inflection or physical representation. Thus, the 'emote' was born. As I have mentioned before, in the online gaming industry the emote is denoted with a backslash: /hides. In the wonderful world of Unhealthy Obsession with Fiction, the emote is indicated by the presence of asterisks: *hides*. The most common emotes: *head desk* and *face palm*.

Also, though Fangirl does frequently make use of intentional misspelling, I have found that grammar isn't something so blatantly ignored. "i r teh suck" wouldn't really fly with the gals. We're an "I am" kind of people.

Perhaps because screaming fangirls rarely stop to take a breath, it is also very common in this form of conversing to smash words together. Really, any old words will do. However, there are some commonly reused smooshes and you can never go wrong if you start it with 'omgwtf.' Omgwtfstopitnow.

Along the same lines as the smooshing is the exclamation point. This is used to tie words together and create a new subject in and of itself. For example, the image conjured when Lauren thinks of Joe Flanigan in a wetsuit needs its own name. Thus: Scuba!Joe is born.

Fangirls have been known to make verbs out of words that aren't (and sometimes out of names). For example, if Fred stated the obvious it would be referred to as 'obviousing'... and if he did it allthetimeomg it would begin to be referred to as Freding. Or, if Tiffany yelled "faster, Allie, come on!" during our workout sessions I would say that she had Laurened me.

Anyway, blah blah. Lets get some vocab.

wibble
v.
Frequently used in the emote form, *wibble* is the state of being overcome with emotion. Balancing on the brink of tears.

like whoa
adj.
To the extreme.

example: Joe Flanigan is sexy like whoa.

oh noes
excl.
Pretty much the same as "Oh no!" Used to express dismay.

squee
excl.
The cornerstone of Fangirldom, squee is the word put to the sound of the gleeful girlie squeak. Imagine the noise I'd make if Michael Vartan stopped and asked me for directions. That is a squee.

Now, make sure you're alone. This isn't something you're going to want to do in public. As I have previously stated, should someone catch you verbalizing Fangirl you will be humiliated. You think it sounds ridiculous in print just wait until you walk in on someone squeeing.

Okay, once the coast is clear, get out of your chair and jump up and down several times. Throw in a girlie clap or two. Think of something very exciting. Now, squeal "zomg[whatever you're thinking]" without taking a break between words. Try thinking of something that would surprise/disturb you. Throw a "wtfbbq" before it. Something that makes you sad: "ohnoes" is the preface you're looking for.

Now, slap your palm on your forehead.

Congratulations. You are now an honorary fangirl. Go ahead, make your name a verb.

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Odds are you already know the meanings of the basics – w00t, brb, wtg, stfu, afk – so we’ll cut to the lesser knowns. If there are any words out there that I don't touch on and you'd like defined... just let me know.

ftw
abbr. for the win.
When something gives the winning edge.

Famous quote: “Cold milk ftw.” – David Basulto

gah
interj.
Used to express displeasure or disappointment.

Famous qutoe: “Gah!” – Ryan Carty

gank
v. ganked, ganking
To steal or take unjustly.

Famous quote: “Help tehy ganking me!” – Anon.

haxxorz
v.
To hack or cheat.
n.
A hack or cheat.
Commonly used when addressing someone who is frequently winning things.

*The xxorz suffix can be added to any words ending in ck. Suxxorz, Roxxorz.

heh
interj.
1. Used to humor people who like to talk. A filler.
2. A sarcastic laugh.

n00b (noob, newb)
n.
Someone who is inexperienced or makes a rookie mistake.

pwn
v. pwned, pwnage
To come out on top. To win.

roar (rar, wraa)
interj.
Used to express elation or excitement.

Famous quote: “Can I get a /ROAR?” – Thaddeus

soga
interj.
Used to express understanding.



Now that you have a bit more vocab… try applying it. Make sure to use abbreviations whenever possible – and for an added bonus try misspelling here and there. Grammatical errors a must. To express emotion, preface the verb with a backslash.

Example: “i r the suck. ganked by a n00b. /shame.”

Go ahead and give it a try in the Comments section.

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As I was creeping my way along the 405 in this morning's rush hour, my mind began to drift. I absently gazed at the truck in front of me and I was hit with an uncontrollable desire to right click on it and select 'follow'.

With autofollow on, driving would be so much more enjoyable. The invisible tether that bound myself and the truck would lead me along the freeway with no effort on my part. I could close my eyes, lean back my seat and just relax.

Instead, I sit upright, unblinking and staring into the horrors of Los Angeles traffic.

Last night Ryan and I were walking Clio in the neighborhood and out of the corner of my eye I saw a spot of white. As is the habit of my two-dimensional alter ego, I leaned down and gathered it. It was an empty cigarette carton (silly smokers... the ground isn't the trash can.) I picked it up and threw it away.

What I'm getting at is this - Life would be better if it were more like Everquest II.

The Top Fifteen Reasons Everquest II is Better Than Real Life

15. When you swim through a body of water, you come out bone dry.

14. If you get lost, press 'M' and a map will appear with your location marked by an arrow.

13. If you ever see anything lying on the ground, you pick it up.

12. No dishes. No laundry. No chores.

11. You can shoot balls of fire from your hands.

10. If you get tired of walking, you can hop a griffin and he'll fly you where you want to go.

9. You can carry hundreds of items on your person without it being cumbersome or bulky.

8. You can summon a soldier to follow you around and take hits that are meant for you.

7. You can talk to select groups of people without anyone else hearing it.

6. You get to pick your race, gender and physical attributes.

5. If you don't like someone, you can block them and you'll never hear a peep from them again.

4. You make money while you sleep.

3. With the click of a button you are transported to your hometown in thirty seconds - no matter where you are.

2. When you die you can revive or be resurrected. Then you get to go see the man without a shirt so he can repair your weapons.

1. One word - Autofollow.

Please god, invent autofollow??

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Since I don’t want to turn this into a political blog, and since I know little about politics… I’ll just focus on what’s important – the superficial. Dodge the hard issues and get to what really matters – George’s big fat mistakes. (On a personal note - I won't hate you if you like Bush. The question is, will you hate me?)

Was anyone else distracted by the large blob of spit that had accumulated and taken up residence in the right corner of Bush’s mouth? Dude. Someone needed to get him a towel or use sign language to communicate the word “slurp.” The man was having serious issues.

Umm… “Hello wardrobe department? Yes, this is George W. I’d like to get Kerry’s lucky tie for the third debate. Cool? Cool.” Yeah, Kerry wore the same tie to every debate and now Bush’s sporting its long lost cousin? Wuzzup wit dat, yo?

Allie’s Helpful Hints to Gee Double-Ya Bush:

1) Just because Kerry says you said something or did something that makes you look bad, you can’t deny it if it’s true. Yes, you own a timber company. Yes, you said you didn’t care where Osama was hiding. Learn your lesson.

2) The incredulous face really doesn’t work for ya. You know, the one were you look all constipated and open your mouth, thereby implying that what Kerry is saying is fictional? Not attractive, nor helpful to your cause.

3) Try not to rip on the credibility of the moderator. It’s a no-no to say that CBS is not a reliable informant when they bankroll Mr. Schieffer. And if you don’t think the major news sources are reliable, who is? Should I turn to georgebush.com for some unbiased facts?

Bush: "In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations about -- oh, nevermind. Anyway, let me quote the Lewin report. The Lewin report is a group of folks who are not politically affiliated."

And CBS is being funded by Democrats? Yeah, nevermind is right.

4) That little red light? Yeah, that mean’s you’re DONE.

5) Don’t laugh out loud. You sound like the devil. Little children will run from you. I know I want to.

6) That pause you do – the one where you’re waiting for the audience to react? Yeah. Cut it. You’re not as funny as you think you are. No one is laughing, so don’t wait for it. It ain’t coming.
Example:

Schieffer: I would like to ask you: Who bears responsibility for this? Is it the government? Is it the insurance companies? Is it the lawyers? Is it the doctors? Is it the administration?
You: Gosh, I sure hope it’s not the administration.
[Mother of all silences ensues]

… see right there. You should have just kept on trucking. Maybe we wouldn’t have noticed that you were trying to make a joke.

7) Don’t refer to yourself as “George W.” I can refer to myself in the third person, but you – can’t. Not cool.

8) If you want to get the vote of the younger audience, don’t refer to them as youngsters.

9) Try and keep from contradicting yourself in the same speech. When you say that you will give jobs to Mexicans “as long as there is no American willing to take it” and then in the next breath say you don’t want them to “live in the shadows of society” you confuse me. Is that not in the shadow when they only get the reject jobs?

10) When they give you two minutes, try and take at least 20 seconds of it. Otherwise you look like you don’t know the answer. Perhaps you don’t?

11) Don’t pound on the podium. It doesn’t help your rabid monkey image.

12) Okay, now listen well – the scowl jokes are not funny. Instead of focusing all that energy into witty remarks about the hideous facial contortion, try just not making it.

13) Please, god… SLURP THAT STUFF UP.

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NO NO NO NO NO. I just spent at least half an hour typing up a blog and then I pressed 'publish' and it disappeared! NO!!!!!!!! I just might cry. It was pretty freaking funny too. I had Ryan in stitches. I don't think I have the strength to recreate.

Well, you’re not going to get the good version. I’ll just warn you. You’re getting whatever I have the energy left to hack up…

Driving in Los Angeles is a whole other world, my friends. And I, being the selfless goat I am, do not want you to enter this world without a little forewarning. So – you have been forewarned.

Tips and tidbits:
1) Yellow lights do not mean yield. If you yield to a yellow light in Los Angeles you are officially an asshole. Everyone runs them. Even cops. I’ve seen it. Just think of yellow lights as green and continue on your way. It’s the first five or so seconds of the red light that are equivalent to the rest of the world’s yellow.
2) Going along with that… green lights don’t mean go. They mean ‘wait for the people running the red light to finish, then go.’
3) When someone signals to indicate that they want to change lanes, let them. They’re going to go whether you do or not, so it’s in your best interest to allow it. You can use this to your advantage. If you want to get over and there’s no space, simply put on your signal. They’ll let you in. For all they know you might be crazy enough to do it without their help.
4) Bring a friend. Carpool lanes are god’s gift to LA driving. While the solo drivers are poking along at a mere 15 mph, the cool people in the carpool lane are cruising by at 45. I’d advise sticking your tongue out as you pass. Oh, and feel free to yell something along the lines of, “Hey, asshole! See that smog that engulfs your fair city? That thick shit that makes it so that I can’t see my hand in front of my face? That’s your fault, jackass. Yeah, you, in the porche. And you, in the Hummer! Don’t think I don’t see you! Bring a buddy, next time. Do you hear me? A BUDDY!”
5) I don’t know if it’s legal or not, but it seems to be the general consensus that motorcycles need not stay in lanes. They can go wherever the hell they want. Shoulder? Sure! Bike lane? Absolutely! Along that dashed line? Why not! Between those two semis? Don’t mind if I do!
6) When someone tells you to take a freeway, don’t let them give you the name. Ask for the number. If they tell you to take the Hollywood Freeway, they could be referring to the 170 or the 101. The Ventura Freeway? The 101 or the 134. Oh, and the 101 also goes by the Santa Ana Freeway. Which is also one of the names of Interstate 5. Or, “the five.” Or you could call it the Golden State Freeway, or perhaps the San Diego Freeway. The 405 is also called the San Diego Freeway, though… so be careful not to get confused. Maybe you’d like to take the 10, aka the Santa Monica Freeway. You might know it by it’s other name – the San Bernadino Freeway. Not to be confused with the other San Bernadino Freeway, the 215…

I went to see “Shark Tale” today in the world’s largest ­­­_____. I don't even know what we're supposed to call this monstrosity. I looked it up. Some refer to it as ‘an upscale dining, shopping and entertainment destination’. I call it LA’s answer to Vegas. Complete with Bellagio water show. This place was so crazy huge that it has its own trolley system. And for some reason I was always confused as to whether I was outside or inside. There were lights strung up to look like a ceiling, and space heaters to keep the temperature comfortably hot. And even in the parking garage – when I knew I was outside, I was walking on plush carpet that was lit by chandeliers and watching HDTV on large flatscreen monitors. And the theatre… yikes. This thing was like an elegant hotel. Red carpet, marble everything, golden chandeliers everywhere. They even had the staff dolled up like bellhops – hat and all. It’s called The Grove. You know, cause it’s all natural. RIGHT. And I suppose I’d need a valet for my limo when I go to pick some oranges. Just throw in a few multi-named freeways…

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Well, that was incredibly disappointing. No ALIAS filming on the lot today. I guess I'll have to keep waiting. You just hold on, Michael - we'll be together soon.

I thought I saw Jesus in the mall today. Turned out to be a koi pond. My bad.

Still unemployed. What is up with people wanting 3-5 years experience? What about the newbies? Nobody wants me, everyboy hates me, I guess I'll go eat the boxed cake I made last night. Mmm... devil's food.

I am, however, sending in my very first application for an unpaid internship tomorrow. Think good thoughts for me, will ya? Get an interview, Allie. Get an interview. Get an interview...

I wrote my very first cover letter this afternoon. I feel like a grown up. Although, let me just say, that I have trouble with this cover letter bullcrap. I hate doing the whole "I'm amazing. Look at my muscles" thing. Sheesh. I'm following the handbook given to the WU senior class (by good old Nancy herself) and let me just say, How cocky does she think I am? According to Ms. Career Guidance, I'm supposed to write "I will call you on ____ to arrange a mutually convenient time for us to get together." Oh, I will, will I? My fear of calling strangers aside, I am so not doing that! Perhaps some employers appreciate such ballsyness but I am dubious to commit such a gutsy move and give them the wrong impression. I am neither cocky nor ballsy. And frankly, I think that sort of assumption is rude. Needless to say, that line was stricken from my cover letter. (I can hear what you're thinking. All of you. And I will get a job without being pushy. People will see me for the angel I am and hire me without my follow-up call. So there.)

I have to pee. I've had to pee for a good half hour. Bathroom... so... far... away...

*Clears throat* Moving on.

Season 4 promotional photos came out. Oh that's right. ALIAS, baby. Beautiful cast. And just to debunk that nasty rumor - I have it on good authority that Michael Vartan is NOT leaving the show after episode 8. She may have broken his heart, but she did not ruin his career. I know you all were sweating that.

Oo... I'd like to take this opportunity to ask for a little viewer mail. Are you guys out there? I'm just wondering if I can improve my posts. Do you care whether or not I have to pee? Or do you just want to know which celebs I'm drooling on? I know Seany thinks I should reformat the gray background. (If only I knew how. I'm just impressed I managed to change the font and the color scheme -- oh, side note. Ten points to the person who tells me why I picked the title font.) What else? Send your comments to asaucy@gmail.com or just add a comment at the bottom of the post. Or remain a lurker. I won't judge you... I'll just dislike you.

Pearls of Wisdom:
1) If you decide to move to the area and you have US Bank - switch. They're like sasquatch down here. Seriously. Get Bank of America. It's, as Ryan says, fri-huge. (Apparently that is the equivalent of frickin-huge. He prefers to spare himself that third syllable.)
2) Buy an electronic car. It is like having a handicapped sticker - you get parking right by the mall entrance. Plus, you can charge your car while you shop. Oh yeah, and it saves the earth too.
Nice. I just spell-checked and it didn't find a single mistake. Ten points to me. It's like... uh... like I have an ed-yu-kay-shun or sometin. I ken spel. Skore. (And no comments about the grammatical errors. There is no checker for that.)
Don't forget... positive thoughts...

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Well, folks... I have arrived. We'll get to that in a minute, but first - the drive.

Things to keep in mind when driving to Los Angeles:
1) Just because everyone around you is going ninety, doesn't mean you can.
2) That whole 'patrolled by aircraft' sign is for real. They're out there, and they're watching you.
3) Handy-Snacks aren't so handy when trying to operate an automobile.
4) Always be prepared for someone to cut in front of you at a high speed, in an impossibly tight spot, without using their signal.

When you've arrived in Los Angeles, there are some things you will need to know. It will be my continued effort during these next few months to inform you, the avid reader, of these important pearls of wisdom.

In the first three days, I've learned:
1) When going to McDonalds, be prepared to tell the cashier exactly how many ketchup packets you want. They don't have dispensers, and 'a handfull' just doesn't cut it. They need numbers, people, numbers.
2) When people from LA give directions, they don't tell you to turn right or left, they tell you to go east or west. So either get a compass in your car or bring your internal compass (I accidentally left mine at home. Dad, can you mail it to me?)

Alright, now to the sightings.

Celebrity Sightings!!
10/01 - Allie see's Scott Lawrence walking into Patti's doctor's office. No, Lauren, I didn't get his autograph. I didn't even talk to him. I just stared like a dumbass. He looked at me, cause, you know, I was staring like a dumbass, so I'm sure that he noticed. Damn.

I'd like to take this moment to thank the people of La Guardia, whoever they may be. You might want to thank them too, for without them you would not be privy to my wit and wisdom. These fine people have allowed me to (without their knowledge) connect to the internet for free, in my bedroom. God bless wireless. And God bless La Guardia for neglecting to set their security. I love them more than they will ever know.

That's the first installment of Allie In La La Land. More to come. Hopefully daily. Check back soon!

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